Phil is Home.

Phil and Meg enjoying the lightening show.

Heather's Birthday Celebration

Beautiful

Phil is home from a 6 night and 7 day stay in the hospital.  We did get to enjoy a birthday celebration with our daughter, and spend some time together watching the beautiful sunsets at the Cleveland Clinic.  Sounds funny to say "enjoy" when he's in the hospital, but we did enjoy taking him to the rooftop of Cleveland Clinic.  It was a much needed break from the wait of Phil's team deciding what is best for him regarding his infection on his back. 

However, I must admit that the best sunset was the night we came home.  I in sheer exhaution decided that the puppies needed to go on a walk, or their energy could possibly cause me to lose my mind at any moment.  Sometimes, God provides you with just what you need to rejuvinate you in the simplest form at the right moment in life. The picture at the bottom is the sunset Megan and I watched together after a long week.

Unfortunately, Phil's infection that is located on his back which stems from the titanium near his spine is getting worse.  Doctors placed the titanium nearly eight years ago to reconstructe the sacrum after it was shattered from receiving the maximum dose of radiation in attempt to kill the tumor that was located there. Stupid Myeloma.  It's was a blessing that the tumor died, but right now their is an abcess which is an enclosed collection of liquefied tissue, known as pus, near the titanium in his sacrum. It is the result of the body's defensive reaction to the foreign material (or titanium) which now places him at a high risk for the infection to enter into his blood stream and therefore making him septic.  Very dangerous, and very serious.

Enjoying cupcakes from a friend.

It was very difficult for me to wait patiently for the plan.  Some of Phil's "team" wanted to remove the titanium and do surgery, others didn't, and I am pretty sure that some of them didn't even know what was best for Phil, but they would never admit to it.  It just seemed to be happening in slow motion, and I just wanted to take Phil home.  I am thankful he is home today, and can enjoy me harrassing him to the fullest at any given moment (it's what I do best). 

What we know right now is, we wait for the culture to come back, and determine which antibiotic will work best in fighting the infection.  While he was in the hospital they aspirated some of the infection while using guided CT scan to locate the abcess near his spine.  Once they know which antibiotic will work best, they will place a PICC line in his arm.  A PICC line (which is just a long-term intravenous line) will allow him to receive IV antibiotics at home.  Although, the infection will remain while the titanium is there, this will at least suppress the infection and keep him from going septic.  Surgery risks at this time outweighs the benefits, which sounds like a double edged sword.  It needs to come out, but so many risks involved if they perform surgery.  Chemotherapy was stopped for the next week to allow his immune system to rebound.  Which is great because he feels so much better without it, and yet I wonder what the Myeloma is doing without it, stupid Myeloma. 

In this past week I was very stressed from Phil's stupid Myeloma, but God provided a moment of rejuvination and tranquility while enjoying a sunset with family.  It's such a simple pleasure that sometimes we take for granted.  It's amazing to me that no matter what I am going through, or how chaotic my situation may seem, God provides the peace that is needed at the perfect moments in life for me.  Enjoying time with my family and watching a sunset has become one of the greatest memories I treasure.  There is always, always, always, something to be thankful for.

Meg and I went for a walk with the puppies, peaceful, calming, and again beautiful moment in life.

Phil is Back in the Hospital.....

Sometimes I feel so much pain when I realize how much I truly struggle with my trust in God, and how I have even grieved the heart of God for this lack of trust I place in Him. I know I should have more trust in the way God has brought me and my family through so many storms in our life's, and how He has picked me up from my many failures.  Yet, when Phil is struggling with all the aspects of dealing with Multiple Myeloma, I get caught up in having no control over anything, feeling as if life is spinning fast around me, and at this moment is when I allow the doubt, and fear to creep into the mind and consume my heart. 
                                                                                                                                                                                                   
Why do I let myself fail in trusting in God?  For he is all knowing, all powerful, and all mighty.  I usually am quick in prayer when that sets in, and yet, I am still and always learning to lean and trust in God. I have so much pain in my life with dealing with Multiple Myeloma, that I sometimes look around and wonder why are we the one's going through all of this torment physically, financially, spiritually, and emotionally.  Rather than easily throwing words around such as, "Where are you God, and how can this be happening?"  I have, and yet so hesitantly, remind myself and quickly refer back to Romans 5, which is becoming truer and truer in my life.  "Rejoicing in our sufferings, suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope".  Wow, it that ever true.  God hasn't forgotten us, he is reminding me through each trial how much he loves us.

Phil has continued to struggle and suffer daily with the pain in his hips, shoulders, back, neck, and all over generalized pain from cancer.  The pain he deals with lately, is more than overwhelming at times for me.  No matter what Phil is going through, he doesn't allow his cancer to steal his hope, love, peace, and joy from his life.  This past week at times, he has found no comfort at all physically.  He cringes with small movements, and struggles to find that peaceful position physically.  Yet spiritually and emotionally he is full of love, hope, and joy.  He is my inspiration and strength at times when I am so very angry at cancer.

As Phil and I were sleeping the other night, I woke to my foot touching his leg and knew immediately he had spiked a very high temperature.  He was shaking with chills, sweating, and confused.  I wasn't to alarmed with the confusion, I figure you are allowed to be confused when your temperature is 104.7!  However, the fever had me fearful, and scared and he was just so sick.  Phil just doesn't complain much at all, and when he does, then I know it really is bothering him.  He just kept saying, "I don't feel good."  Yet, I couldn't convince him to go to the emergency room, so I did the next best thing and emailed his nurse practitioner at 4:00am, who replied to me at 5:00 am to bring him in anytime to see her this morningng, ASAP preferred.  Which we did go early that morning to see her, and that is when they admitted him to the hospital. 

He is retaining fluid all over, however, he did have an echo cardiogram completed in which we learned that his heart is working fine.  The fluid retention could be just a side effect from the chemotherapy.  None the less, his abdomen is large, and he is short of breath from all of the fluid.

My main concern is still the infection in his back, which remains to be at the center of my heart.  It appears to me to be getting worse, and I am placing it in God's hands.  This infection has been the source of my anxiety, fear, and insecurity.  I pray God you will heal this infection or allow the cancer numbers to come down so that the titanium (source of infection) in his back can be removed surgically.  Even that is so difficult to say, because I know what that surgery entails, and it because of that knowledge I allow the worry to settle in and haunt me.  I must remind myself that when the worry starts, that's when I begin to pray.  For I do know God is near, and in control.

When you are going through trials, struggles, pain, or whatever it may be in you life, just know that fear, pain, and worry are of no help.  Seek God in your prayers, and in your heart.  God knows your situation, and he is near.  Seek him, and he will comfort you.  I promise. Please again, and always, pray for my family as we again are starring at the ugliness of cancer.  Thank you.

Matthew 28:20 "I am with you always, to the very end of the age" 
Philippians 4:5  "The Lord is near." 

Prayer and Praise

Just the other day, I was kinda thinking that for those of us who pray, none of us pray as much as we probably should but all of us pray when we are in need.  Especially when a crisis hits us, and things seem to be falling down around us faster than we can pick the pieces up.  I am consciously making an effort to spend each day in prayer, and yet also in praise for all that He provides to my family.  I can honestly say, I would not be here if it wasn't without God providing for us.  However, it's so difficult when my family seems to be dealing with so many extraordinary issues, that all I want to do is scream, "Please, God help US!"

Many of you will never know the impact that cancer has on a younger couple, and it's effect on all aspects of our lives, and I hope and pray that you never will.  I would never wish the difficulty of cancer on anyone, and especially how it turns life into such a complex structure, and how sometimes even the smallest task can feel like a major hurdle.  How sometimes you can't pray hard enough that his pain will stop, and yet, praising Him for medications that ease his suffering.  It's such an array of emotions, and turmoils. 

I'm home again with him today, and as he sits in his chair, curled up in a blanket, he looks so peaceful and comfortable while sleeping.  Each and every muscle is at ease, and he feels no pain.  It's as if he has no cancer for just that moment.  Yet, soon he will wake, and soon he will be struggling once again.  I pray to capture this peace at least once daily all year.  Lately, I couldn't seem to pray the stress out of our home, but today I captured it and received that peace that passes all understanding. 

He is feeling better after his blood transfusion yesterday, this week has been more difficult for him.  Funny to say more difficult, as each and everyone of his days is difficult.  His blood work revealed his hemoglobin was 7.2 and his hematocrit was 24.1.  He was pale, more fatigued, and just plain tired of cancer this week.  He even said, "I'm done with cancer, doctors, and all the bullshit of caner."  Multiple Myeloma is starting out the year the way it ended, just plain ugly, aggravating, and mean.  To put it simply, it's a daily stressor to see him suffering mentally and physically.  I again felt I was just praying for the need this week, and missing the praise, to the point of becoming angry with God.

I have a long list of prayer requests, and in so many different aspects of our life.  First, I pray for our daughter Megan, for strength and comfort.  When I think of what she has gone through in the last few years, it makes me proud of the young lady she has become.  How many teenagers make sure Dad has taken his medication, or given up a Friday night to take her Dad to his chemotherapy treatment.  I see the pain in her eyes watching her Dad suffering from cancer.  It is such a mentally hard process for her to deal with her Dad suffering from cancer, and at such a young age as well, yet she probably handles some of the "issues" better than most of the adults that I know would!  I love you Megan, and I pray for you daily!

I pray for our daughter Heather, and all that she has gone through dealing with her Dad having cancer.  She also deals with her own diagnosis of a Pituitary Tumor.  She's having a few issues with that right now, and has an appointment to make sure everything is stable there.  She has alot of anxiety in dealing with doctors and medical issues.  Somehow I wonder if it's because of what she has watched her Dad endure.  I pray for strength and comfort for her as well, as life is dealing her her own cards to play, along with worrying about her Dad. 

And yet, sometimes I find it difficult to say I need prayer, or I am struggling.  Why is it that I must feel the need to be the strongest, or the one who puts all the pieces together.  I have such a difficult time in this position of "bread winner and caretaker", and I can't seem to make both run smoothly lately.  It's the guilt of, If I don't work, then no one else does, and if no one else does, then our finances are just not met.  However, when those loving hazel eyes are filled with pain, and despair I will never leave his side.  It's just been trying lately to say the least.  Yet, somehow, God always provides.  So although I want to pray for our needs, I also praise him because He always, always, provides.  Even when I have no idea how we will make it through to tomorrow.

Phil needs to go for an MRI and check the stability of a "spot" on C4 of his spine, please God let it not need radiation or surgery.  He can't take much more right now, and neither can I.  I feel as if somedays I'm falling apart, and barely breathing.  However, I know in the pain there is healing and strength, and for that I praise you God.  So, I am holding on to Your grace, but barely somedays, and I keep reminding myself  prayer and praise need to go hand in hand, for one without the other just doesn't seem right.

New Years Resolution

Today, as I was curled up into my own little ball of insecurity and depression, and I had filled myself with a self proclaimed darkness. Sometimes, I think I actually find this mood enjoyable and inviting, so then I pride myself on my self indulged pity, and Eeyore becomes my icon.  And then, I began to realize just how much my mood sets the tone for the whole house, and the people I love. 

I don't curl up to misery often but I am thankful I quickly stopped myself and began to revisit a memory from when Phil was in the hospital.  A moment where someone's love and compassion shed some light on me during one of my darkest hours in my life.  She will never know what she did for me, she reset my mood and provided a light of hope.  All this from a complete and caring stranger.

After arriving to the ER at 7:00pm, Phil was finally admitted to Medical Intensive Care Unit and settled in around 4:00 am.  It was an emotional and exhausting evening, at this point I was working on 23 hours of not getting any rest - something I don't do well is lack of sleep.  It was finally time to go home, and attempt to get some rest, and not so easy when someone you love is in such distress with breathing.  Anyway, I had to walk back to the ER department to get to my car. The walk was heavy on my heart, I was mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausted.  It was to the point that I wasn't feeling connected with the floor, the building, or even the moment.  It seemed as if every hallway was endless and excruciating, but eventually I arrived back to the ER department.

It was so lonely walking at that hour of the morning, except for one young lady who was sitting in the hallway charting on her computer. She turned to me and said, "Do you need help?"  I replied, "I need to know how to get my car, I had to use valet but I have no idea what to do or where to go at this hour?"  She walked me over to the security office, and they took my ticket, and said they will  have someone bring my car around.  I thanked her, and graciously sat on the little bench while I waited endlessly for my car to appear. 

As I sat slumped over all of Phil's belongings and my own, I seemed to stare into space and felt that dark, gloomy, and that infamous black cloud just stagnant over my head.  Just then the automatic doors opened, and there she stood again with coffee and a boxed lunch.  She smiled that sincere smile of caring for another human being without even knowing them, and said, "I thought you looked like you needed some coffee and a meal."  My eye's filled up tears, and I exclaimed, "You have no idea what this means to me."  Just then my car pulled up, and she helped me carry all my belongings out to the car, and hugged me.  She said, "I will be praying that you arrive home safely."  It was her light at that moment that set the mood for my hour drive back home, and brought such peace and hope over me.  I wish I had gotten her name, but in my emotions from her kindness, I was mesmerized with gratitude.  However, I will remember her forever.

All of us set the tone in our homes, our jobs, and in all apects of our lives. That's the light that we need everyday in life, when darkness appears to destroy your every ounce of hope, and seeks to destroy your soul. That's the light that needs to set the mood, spark the hope, bring the joy, and it is what keeps us going in life. I will attempt to be more of a light, and will not invite the bitterness, darkness, and depression that life can bring into my home.  I don't want to just go through "The Motions", I want to make a difference.  That, my friends , is my "New Years Resolution".

One Moment In Life

Happy New Year!  It has been a difficult year with Multiple Myeloma, but I am thankful he is home today.  It has been frightening, exhausting, and emotional especially this past week.  It really puts life in perspective when someone you love is so close to death. 

He started getting a cold over Christmas weekend, however, we attributed that to his radiation to his chest that was just finished on Tuesday before Christmas weekend.  They told us that his lung could get a little annoyed and he may develop a cough.  Well, what started out as a little cough quickly went down hill from there.   

When I took him to the emergency room his pulse ox was 88 percent, and they put some oxygen on him.  Later in the ER it went down to 78 percent and he was using all of his accessory muscles just to breath.  What started out as a cold, turned into full blown pneumonia, and respiratory distress. It was one of the worst moments of my life.  So many things go through your mind when your not sure someone is going to make it through to the next moment in life.  I remember sitting next to him at 2 am, holding his hand as tears run down my face.  I said, "you bastard, your not done with this life, if you die tonight I'm going to kick your ass."  I know sounds morbid, but I laughed and cried.  Then something happened, he actually woke up and said, "What's wrong with you? You know I love you and your not going to kick my ass tonight."  He doesn't remember this, but I know God was letting me know he was going to be OK.

Don't take life for granted, not even for one moment, an hour, or a day.  Be sure to tell the people you love how you feel about them, if your sorry - say your sorry, if you love them - tell them you love them, or whatever is on your mind.  I almost lost my husband this week, but I am thankful today that I can say to him, "I love you" whenever the thought occurs.  Each day you wake is a blessing and you never know what tomorrow will bring.   Make this year the year that you live everyday to it's fullest and love unconditionally every moment of the day, or at least as often as you can.  You never know what can happen from one moment to the next, and I am thankful my moments have passed this week and he is home.  May God bless you with happiness and health all year long.

When God Made You

I would rather be sleeping in two plastic chairs tonight, I miss you, and I love you.  Not sure how or why I am blessed with such a wonderful man, but I just want you to know I am grateful to be you wife.  Glad you are out of ICU but wishing you were home.  We may not have it all together, but together we have it all.

Breaking Point......

It's been a difficult Christmas this year, don't get me wrong I can't express how blessed we have been from family and friends.  I didn't plan on being home for Christmas but Phil is struggling beyond words, so I took the weekend off.  Cancer doesn't care about timing, or anything else for that matter.

He has a new pain this weekend and is walking even slower this morning.  It's on his back but more on the left part of his side.  Go to hell Cancer.  I am finished with you and tired of your hardships and hell you put my husband through.

I am trying to get him to go to the emergency room this morning, but he is having nothing to do with that.  I can't say that I blame him, but I can't bare to see him suffer like this either.  His beautiful hazel eyes are filled with pain and suffering.  I emailed his nurse practioner this morning, I guess we will wait and see what she wants us to do.

I am done with caner this year, this day, this hour, and this moment.  I think I am at my breaking point again, and I am ready to put on my boxing gloves and whoop some cancer ass.  I Wish it was that easy because  I wouldn't need any special training to be a professional boxer this morning.  I am positive I would get it done the first round.  I am left feeling helpless, left feeling out of control, and lost in my emotions.  Cancer I hate you, today you have won this round but tomorrow I will fight again for him. 

Hoping all of you had a wonderful Christmas and wishing you the Happiest, Healthiest, New Year. Thanks for you all for giving me the best Christmas present, praying for Phil daily.