It's Like Going to the Dentist

Romans 5:5 And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.

The definition of a broken heart is "devastating sorrow and despair".  At times I feel as if my heart has been crushed with grief.  I think the definition can go even deeper to include there are no words, or emotion to describe a deeply wounded, grieving heart.  Mine is broken, broken into a million pieces, scarred and left with a big crack down the center. Insufferable as it feels at times, it is mending, but quickly heals when I allow God to put the right ointment on it.  God is teaching me slowly, and yes at times it's painfully slow, not because of Him but because of my own resistance.  I find myself running away in the opposite direction to avoid the pain.  He is there, covering the wounds with love, strength, and courage to face a new day, I just need to come to Him.

One day, I recall having the sudden realization that Phil will never walk through the doors of our home ever again. It was a painful thought, filled with sorrow, and my heart just ached - if I could just hear him walk through the door again one more time. I kept pushing what I thought was just an obvious thought to the side. As I was thinking to myself, "I must be crazy that I am having this thought, and that this thought is bothering me. Of course he won't walk through our doors." So in my stubbornness I would push it to the side, not wanting to acknowledge it.  It would cross my mind again, and I moved around it, scurried it away, thinking "this is just down right ridiculous".  I bottled it up, quickly moved to another thought, then I said OK it's fine - I put a little band aid on it, and became angry.  Again, I felt as if God has left me here alone without my best friend.  Then that pain of loneliness began to ease its way deeper into my heart, and the wound began to open wider, tear at my heart strings, and pierce its way to the center.  If I would have only brought it to God in the first place, it wouldn't of taken so long to move through it, instead of circling a thousand times! I am so stubborn, I can even get on my own nerves. Why must I do things the hard way?  

I will be honest, when it comes to dealing with pain, I am a slow learner in how to cope with it. I am one who will avoid an argument, shut down when it comes to confrontation, or just ignore it so "it will go away."  It doesn't matter how insignificant or "crazy" my thoughts or emotions may appear, it is rightfully mine to own, and process. However, it's when I don't take it to God, that is when I find that I am drowning deeper in my pain, and  flooding in my sorrow. My heart feels like it's an open wound that I have just poured a bottle of rubbing alcohol on, and boy it hurts. The scar opens wider, the pain intensifies, then the roots of my emotions become deeply planted as if to stick around and grow forever.  Oh my stubbornness, grrrr.

God is teaching me how He can use those "little" things to get my attention, pour out his love, mercy, and strength during those "crazy" moments of grieving.  “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit,” wrote David (Psalm 34:18The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.
See All..., NIV).  It seems so simple, but yet you never know what emotion, or thought will stop you in your tracks, until you go through them and in order to move through them you must walk with God.  He is there, and he does apply the right "ointment" to heal the brokenhearted.

Pain is something you have to deal with in life, it's like going to the dentist for me - no offense to my wonderful dentist who knows me all too well. I will cancel an appointment just because I am having the thought of the pain and anxiety I will endure. When it's cancelled then I regret I didn't just go and get it over with. Instead, I will postpone, avoid, and wait until I am woken in the middle of the night with a toothache that is aching, and throbbing. What should of been a small filling has grown deep now it is requiring a root canal, or even worse it needs pulled. I am finding that dealing with grief is much like a cavity.  The pain, thoughts and emotions of losing Phil, no matter how insignificant they seem - if I try to avoid, scurry around, or ignore the thoughts that I feel that are "little", or "crazy obvious" - well it's still pain, and left alone will get bigger requiring more extensive treatment.

I am learning how grief can affect my thinking, behavior, emotions, relationships, and health. I have had sleepless nights, exhaustion for no apparent reason, lack of appetite, over eating, memory lapses, and the notion of my little thought that turn into deep valleys. I am learning to own these are part of my reactions and personal walks with my grief. Once I realize my actions, and I turn to God, then He will lead me safely through "the valley of the shadow". Do you know what's on the other side of every shadow? It's light. God will walk with you to the light on the other side, and bring you back stronger.

Ecclesiastes 3:1,4 says “To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance."  I miss you Phil, but we will meet again one day.



 

Spit On It and Set It On Fire.

      If theres anyone that hasn't dealt with Cancer up close and personal, they may not exactly understand the turmoil it throws your life into. Especially a terminal, incurable, Cancer called Multiple Myeloma.  Its an ugly disease, mean, ruthless, rotten and relentless.  And lately I find myself just plain ANGRY with it.
     Occasionally  people will ask, "How's you husband doing?".  I will go into a short story of well;  he has a broken foot, or there's 8 new "spots", or there going be several new tests this week, or we have 3 days down at the clinic which can be tiring, stressful, and exhausting.  I can tell the difference between the ones who truly care, and the ones who are asking just to be polite.  If your asking just to be polite, then I'd rather you not ask at all.  This way I don't have to go through the whole ordeal of reliving it, when I know that it will all be forgotten as soon as I walk away.  Because For Us, it remains a Financial, Emotional, Physical, Spirutual, and Mental battle. Every minute, every hour, every day, a constant, ongoing battle and it makes me ANGRY.
     We had Thanksgiving at Phil's Mom"s house yesterday.  Phil had a treatment on Tuesday, it's Zometa IV, which is a bone strengthener.  It makes him feel terrible for a week after.  He is sore, stiff, and his pain is worse, which at times adds to his depression.  Then add on the two Chemotherapy medications he's on and it's not so much fun for him.  He struggled to make it through his mom's dinner.  At times he would break out in a sweat, at times you could see the pain, and at times you could just plain see him struggle. Sometimes, I  feel like I am the only one who notices these changes in him.  I have watched him struggle for years with Multiple Myeloma and quiet frankly, cancer makes me ANGRY.  I wish that I could ball it up, smoosh it together, throw it on the ground, stomp it to death, spit on it, then set it on fire.  In fact, I do do that at times, of course, in my imagination......and I find that it's quite therapeutic.  Needless to say, we did not stay long at his mom's house this year.  Years ago, we would of been there for well into the night, playing games, cards, and enjoying the company of family, however, this Cancer constantly robs him, and us, of doing the things that we love most in life.  Especially, during the holidays. which of course, makes me ANGRY. 
     I also get angry at it because it dictates control of our lives when it's not wanted and has no right in doing so!  It says when he doesn't feel good, makes him tired, makes him sick to his stomach, hurts him all over,  makes him depressed, and sadly it also makes us choose between paying for medications or buying a washer and dryer (medications win always).  It states you have 3 appts this week downtown, tells you your on disability for life, then it decides whether or not he is up to going out to store with me, because he is to fatigued to go.  It brings worry in times of happiness, tells you must take off work to care for your husband, it glares in the faces of  our broken hearted girls as I tell them that the cancer is back. And again it makes me ANGRY.  So in my darkest hour, I fall to my knees and yank it from his body, roll it in a ball, smoosh it together, throw it on the ground, stomp it to death, spit on it. then set it on fire.  I demand to it, you will not take my joy or my love.  I will tell it what I feel, and dictate to it which emotions I choose to express, and when I will accept it's relentless desire to wear us down.  I will not let it control us anymore, as much as possible anyway, now this makes me HAPPY.
     I know I sound angy and negative, but don't get me wrong.  If there is anything to be thankful for, it is the time that we get to spend together now.  He is home 24/7 and I love that time with him.  I also love his abilty to be home with our daughters. This is not something that we have had the pleasure of experiencing in our lives before cancer.  We both worked many hours, and he worked two jobs.  So the hours we now have together are cherished.  However, cancer still sucks, and it makes me ANGRY.  
     Whatever your struggle in life, find a way to conquer it.  Don't let it rob you of the all the joy and love inside of you.  Find a way to take control of it, "ball it up, stomp on it, spit on it, and set it on fire if you must", (not literally of course but spirtually and mentally) ....... it works for me.  Stupid Cancer.