It's Like Going to the Dentist

Romans 5:5 And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.

The definition of a broken heart is "devastating sorrow and despair".  At times I feel as if my heart has been crushed with grief.  I think the definition can go even deeper to include there are no words, or emotion to describe a deeply wounded, grieving heart.  Mine is broken, broken into a million pieces, scarred and left with a big crack down the center. Insufferable as it feels at times, it is mending, but quickly heals when I allow God to put the right ointment on it.  God is teaching me slowly, and yes at times it's painfully slow, not because of Him but because of my own resistance.  I find myself running away in the opposite direction to avoid the pain.  He is there, covering the wounds with love, strength, and courage to face a new day, I just need to come to Him.

One day, I recall having the sudden realization that Phil will never walk through the doors of our home ever again. It was a painful thought, filled with sorrow, and my heart just ached - if I could just hear him walk through the door again one more time. I kept pushing what I thought was just an obvious thought to the side. As I was thinking to myself, "I must be crazy that I am having this thought, and that this thought is bothering me. Of course he won't walk through our doors." So in my stubbornness I would push it to the side, not wanting to acknowledge it.  It would cross my mind again, and I moved around it, scurried it away, thinking "this is just down right ridiculous".  I bottled it up, quickly moved to another thought, then I said OK it's fine - I put a little band aid on it, and became angry.  Again, I felt as if God has left me here alone without my best friend.  Then that pain of loneliness began to ease its way deeper into my heart, and the wound began to open wider, tear at my heart strings, and pierce its way to the center.  If I would have only brought it to God in the first place, it wouldn't of taken so long to move through it, instead of circling a thousand times! I am so stubborn, I can even get on my own nerves. Why must I do things the hard way?  

I will be honest, when it comes to dealing with pain, I am a slow learner in how to cope with it. I am one who will avoid an argument, shut down when it comes to confrontation, or just ignore it so "it will go away."  It doesn't matter how insignificant or "crazy" my thoughts or emotions may appear, it is rightfully mine to own, and process. However, it's when I don't take it to God, that is when I find that I am drowning deeper in my pain, and  flooding in my sorrow. My heart feels like it's an open wound that I have just poured a bottle of rubbing alcohol on, and boy it hurts. The scar opens wider, the pain intensifies, then the roots of my emotions become deeply planted as if to stick around and grow forever.  Oh my stubbornness, grrrr.

God is teaching me how He can use those "little" things to get my attention, pour out his love, mercy, and strength during those "crazy" moments of grieving.  “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit,” wrote David (Psalm 34:18The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.
See All..., NIV).  It seems so simple, but yet you never know what emotion, or thought will stop you in your tracks, until you go through them and in order to move through them you must walk with God.  He is there, and he does apply the right "ointment" to heal the brokenhearted.

Pain is something you have to deal with in life, it's like going to the dentist for me - no offense to my wonderful dentist who knows me all too well. I will cancel an appointment just because I am having the thought of the pain and anxiety I will endure. When it's cancelled then I regret I didn't just go and get it over with. Instead, I will postpone, avoid, and wait until I am woken in the middle of the night with a toothache that is aching, and throbbing. What should of been a small filling has grown deep now it is requiring a root canal, or even worse it needs pulled. I am finding that dealing with grief is much like a cavity.  The pain, thoughts and emotions of losing Phil, no matter how insignificant they seem - if I try to avoid, scurry around, or ignore the thoughts that I feel that are "little", or "crazy obvious" - well it's still pain, and left alone will get bigger requiring more extensive treatment.

I am learning how grief can affect my thinking, behavior, emotions, relationships, and health. I have had sleepless nights, exhaustion for no apparent reason, lack of appetite, over eating, memory lapses, and the notion of my little thought that turn into deep valleys. I am learning to own these are part of my reactions and personal walks with my grief. Once I realize my actions, and I turn to God, then He will lead me safely through "the valley of the shadow". Do you know what's on the other side of every shadow? It's light. God will walk with you to the light on the other side, and bring you back stronger.

Ecclesiastes 3:1,4 says “To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance."  I miss you Phil, but we will meet again one day.



 

Under Construction

I have fond memories of multiple trips to our local Home Depot with my beloved husband.  The other day, I had to make my "new first" trip without him.  I was prepared to recapture the priceless, and cherished moments of my life working on certain projects with Phil.  Just as I had predicted, I was instantly engulfed with Phil at the entrance of the door.  It was the scent of fresh cut wood that lingered in the air as I walked through the automatic doors.  It was a time of reflection of all that I learned from him in our backyard or in the "man cave" measuring, cutting, planning and laughing.  All the things that we have torn down, then rebuilt with a better structure, quality, and strength.  The most important part of rebuilding is the foundation, and I had a wonderful husband whose life was built on the foundation of God.

Just as God is, Phil was always was specific, detailed, and meticulous in his design of the foundation.  "The foundations are what make a structure solid", he would remind me.  He would spend what felt like an eternity digging the hole deep enough to poor the concrete, set the beam, and allow it to set.  He taught me much about patience, because I would continue to say, "That's good, what's next."  Just as in life, you can hurry along, put all your money and time and effort into a beautiful house, but without a solid foundation it will all come crashing down.  What is your foundation in life built on?  Are you anchored securely to God? 

Everyone of you can expect to experience storms in your life - nobody is exempt – both the rich and poor, young and old we will all face storms. Jesus says that to build a life that succeeds, that will last, you have to build on ROCK - on Him and His word. He is the unshakable foundation we need to face the challenges in life.  Everything else that we trust in, rely on, changes, fades, washes away, and fails. 

The first step is believing in Him, Christ loves you, and accepts you just as you are. He is faithful and just to forgive us.  How great is it to think of God wrapped around you during your storm. He is willing and able to rebuild, comfort, and strengthen you in your weakest hour. Just call on Him, and he will be there.

I am not perfect in this challenge of losing my loving husband.  At times I feel as if my life that has been structurally chipped away, torn down, and left deserted.  I had a realization one day, and it hit me all at once.  "One day I was married, and the next day I was a widow."  Wow, it impacted my identity, faith, and strength at different stages over the past month.  At times I have felt alone, fearful, depressed, and lonely.  I went as far as telling God he has left me in destruction, only to find out I am under construction.  He is rebuilding, remodeling, and teaching me on His solid ground, for He is my carpenter.     

Some of you may not have lost a husband, but maybe your dealing with divorce, drugs, alcohol, relationships with your children, or whatever it is in your life keeping you from being what God wants you to be.  Before you can begin healing, mending, and repairing your life you need an overhaul with God, you need to set firm in the foundation built on Him and His word. 

Father thank you for your strength to hold me in this storm.  Thank you for carrying me through the rain, trials, and learning process's of life.  I ask for your guidance, comfort, and to let your light shine through me during this difficult rain in my life.  I place my life on promises of Your word, and ask that you help me keep the foundation solid as you work in my life.  In Jesus name, Amen.

Matthew 7:24-27
    Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because its foundation on the rock. 

Moving Forward

I find few things in life that more more heart-rendering than the loss of my husband Phil.  He passed away July 10, 2012 and it will forever live in my heart as a date that I will remember forever.  He fought such a heroic battle with Multiple Myeloma, and I miss him deeply.  I am now learning of the work that is involved in the grieving process, yes it's work.  It has become at times, unpredictible, unbearable and very chaotic when I attempt it on my own. All are equally as tough for me since I consider myself "usually" a well planned, consistent, and organized.  In this grieving process, well, I am finding it has no specific time line or direct path.  However, God is teaching me so much about the impact that He has in my life, and the strength that only He can provide in the moments that He chooses.

In the begining days shorly after the burial of Phil I was filled with anxiety and worry.  I was lost in the thought of how will and, how can life go on? I lost track of time and it seemed as though the world just kept spinning and the days blended together. I couldn't imagine going back to work, enjoying life, and I didn't want to do it without him.  I began to carry this heavy burden of many regrets, worry, anxiety, fear, and loneliness. I felt like God had abandoned me at times, and taken away my best friend. Oh, but God has not forgotten me, or my girls. He has wrapped me closer and provided many comforts from words of love and kindness from friends, coworkers, and family.  I thank all of you, and my God.

I find great peace in knowing Phil's death is not a defeat.  (2 Corinthians 5:8) Far more than just being "absent from the body"; death means being "present with the Lord". I look forwarding to seeing him again one day. I often look up to heaven and smile because I know he is walking around with no more pain, and wonder what is he doing up there. It is not always that easy, and at times I have even become angry with God, why did you take my best friend from me.

I opened my bible to  (Romans 8:28) "All things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose". I am filled with a loving God, and I am reminded that Phil left a legacy of his love for God, his family, and friends. It was God who shined in Phil's fight with the pain of dealing with Myeloma, treatments, and suffering that he still thanked God for all that He gave him. I know the impact that Phil has left on so many lives during this time, and God was honored through it all.

God is counseling me, and teaching me through my life.  His words guide me and comfort me when I don't do it on my own.  The moments when grieving strikes and I am left again feeling alone, I now fall on my knees and pray to God.  I have found some of the most difficult times in this journey our my "new" firsts.  I found sleeping alone in our bed one of the most difficult times, having my morning coffee without him to face a new day, or a new challenge or decision that needs to made without his input down right discouraging. 

One particular Tuesday I was rushed into the emotions of grief.  The mounds of emotions, regrets, sadness, worry, and anxiety I carried for the whole day. It started with to many of my "new" firsts, followed by what to do with my house. I let myself hibernate in my bed, covers over my head for the whole day. I moped around in numbness, dispare, and discouragement. When I finally mustard enough energy to get up, I realized what I was doing. Processing on my own, I picked up my bible, and I read the verse, "who will save me but God." What a lesson I learned. As I began to pray, repent, and release all of it I was filled with peace and strength. I was quickly reminded of a whole day ruined in unneeded, unhealthy, unproductive worry and fear.  God is there always, waiting for you to call on him, and he will guide you.

He has provided me with healing moments in the beauty he creates and sometimes we miss in our hurry of a day.  I can was comforted by a double rainbow one day on my way home from work.  A gentle warm summer breeze that filled my soul with His holy spirit.  It's still a learning process daily, but God does walk with you if you let him each step of the way.

Even Though It's Not Thanksgiving.

Sometimes in life you have to take time to be thankful even when it's not Thanksgiving.

Number Ten:   I am thankful that God seems to put a friend, coworker, or family member in my life at the right time with encouraging words, thoughts, and prayers.

Number Nine:  I am thankful that we have insurance that pays for Phil's medications that ease his pain, strengthen his bones, and yes even the chemotherapy that keeps the cancer counts down.  I am also thankful for the Taussig Cancer Center at the Cleveland Clinic, ranked number one in Ohio for Cancer care.

Number Eight:  I am thankful for every day that I wake up with my husband by my side.

Number Seven:  I am thankful that God has given me laughter because without it I would be psycho....or maybe I am? You decide.

Number Six:  I am thankful for my girls, who have been a blessing in my life to watch them grow into beautiful women.  Who show support for their Dad, help him in his fight, and love him unconditionally. 

Number Five:  I am thankful for Murphy's Law, for without it I would think I was Eeyore.

Number Four:  I am thankful God has shown me so much in the last seven years with my husband having cancer.   I have learned perseverance, weakness, failures, strength, determination, love, patience, and I have learned to laugh at cancer, yes we laugh at it.

Number Three:  I am thankful for the two puppies that we got, even though Phil didn't want another dog.  Our puppies love and support Phil, and Phil loves them back. (And when they know he doesn't feel good, they are patient, supportive, and even protective over him-to the point where they won't even let me "bother" him)

Number Two:  I am thankful for Phil's Disability.  This has resulted in him being able to be home, and yet cared for with some financial ease off his mind.

Number One:  I am thankful for God, for without Him, I don't know how I would make it.

Life long, and life too short

     I was thinking today of life, some of us live long lives, and some seem short lived.  We say things such as, He was so young, Her time here was cut short, and they died so young.  However, Psalm 119:16 says, All the days planned for me were written in your book before I was one day old.
     If we compare our life to eternity, our life here on earth appears to be a speck of sand on the beach.  If you believe in God,  then you know in God's plan each death is in his time.  And all though each of us wishes to live long and healthy, God knows better.
     As I get older I am grateful for the years I have been blessed with, the loving memories with family, the moments of relaxing, the Thanksgiving dinners, the Christmas cookies baked, and the hot chocolate mom would have waiting for me when I came in from playing outside in the snow.
     Most of us have been through the loss of a loved one, or maybe we have someone in our life that is battling a terminal disease.  Don't think of those precious moments as to short, but remember and cherish the moments imbedded in your memory.  Instead take what time you have on earth and make it count, however much time that may be.  Make sure that the life you have is meaningful, filled with love, laughter, and memories.

I will be there

     I have two amazing daughters who are growing into two beautiful young ladies.  I sometimes have doubted myself as being a mother who is always there for my girls.  Yet, my girls will come to talk to me about anything going on in their life.  Sometimes I have to coax it out of my youngest but yet she will open up, and out pours everything that is on her mind.  I try to always be there for my children, and yet at times I fail.
     Nothing takes the place of your presence.  Showing up at a play, showing up at a game, showing up at any performance.  You have been blessed with a unique individual child, we must mold them, strengthen them, and build them up to be the best that they can be; otherwise the world may miss out on what potential they have.
     I missed parent night last year at Meg's Parent Night, Band Performance.  Phil, my husband, was sick that evening from chemotherapy, and I was just tired.  We both laid down to nap before the game, and the next thing we got was a text from Megan,  "I was the only one standing there without my parents."  My heart sunk, and my daughter was hurt.  Megan deals with alot with her dad having cancer and is very understanding when he is not feeling good.  However, when I don't even show up it's uncalled for because I believe she is worth my time.  Showing up gives them the confidence and reassurance of being loved, and cared about. 
     If you want to make a difference in your child, if you believe in your child, then show up to anything and everything that you can.  It is a sign of love, "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."