Butterfly Moments

As I was sitting the other morning, I began to think of the past as long hallways, behind each door are memories and moments filled with life's journeys.  I guess in way I have categorized and stored them behind different doors.   Each door represents the pleasures, love, discouragements, failures and the devastation of negative choices made in life.  Some of the doors are not so easily accessible, some I'd rather keep barricaded.  Those butterfly moments in life I visit with a swinging easily opened summer patio screened door, the ones I could say my whole life is made up of.     

Those memories that are behind the summer patio door are filled with those moments in life, that when you step the memories, each is filled with butterfly moments.  It's warm, cozy, and filled with unconditional love.   I am instantly taken back to the wondrous innocence of my carefree youth.  Or reminiscing the day Phil and I eloped in Virginia, hiking the mountains, sitting by the fire, or when we were back at the hotel and the cleaning lady walked in unannounced (that's a memory all in itself full of nonstop laughter).  I can then revisit quickly the miracle of delivering my two daughters, and how I have been blessed to watch them mature into beautiful young ladies.  Or, I can step into such amazing memories like camping with my family, and floating in inner tubes down the river on a lazy, hot summer day.  Those are the memories that are carefree, easily accessed, and still give you butterflies like the day it happened.   

The doors that I have shut tight have the memories of things like arguments with harsh words spoken in anger, stealing a piece of candy as a young child, or those quick negative judgemental moments on a person who then turns out to be the one who's got your back. Those uncherishable moments in life that when that door is finally pushed open make me sick to my stomach and I cringe in disappointment.  It's those embarrassing moments of failures that I should've got up quickly, dust myself off, and tried again.   I wish there was a way that I could make those doors disappear, although at times I just slam the door quickly.

The double locked and barricaded doors are those memories filled with deep resentment, undeniable painful mistakes, or the forgiveness I've been given when I didn't deserve it.  It takes so much to find the courage to find the key to unlock the locks, rip down the barricade's and slowly open those heavy steel doors.  Then when I finally get the courage to let them open, the flow of tears roar through like a tidal wave.  It's a personal emotional powerful storm filled with waves, thunder, wind, rain, and bolts of lightening piercing the center of my heart.  Those steel doors have haunted my mind, and tormented my soul and broken my heart.  If I could, I'd love nothing more than to burn down the whole room in an instance, however, It just doesn't work like that.  Although, I'd love to erase those past regrets that have been forgiven but will never will be forgotten.

I am finally learning to allow those doors to remain open, taken down the locks and have thrown away the keys.  For the mistakes I have made in life do not define who I am today.  I am not going to allow the branded name of lier, thief, or et cert era to permanently scar me or define me.  Rather I am confident to take the challenge in life and to claim the abundant life God has created just for me.  Thankful for that renewed energy of opening a new door each day armed with the knowledge of lessons learned in the past.  It has encouraged and inspired me into being a better person, loving longer, and attempting to make the most out of life for me and my family.  My wish is for this lifetime that we share together, is for more of my tomorrows to have more easily opened patio door filled with butterfly moments.

The Storm

     I'm tired today, feeling sorry for myself, loathing in my mistakes in life, and over doing it I suppose.  I was feeling as if I want our life back, back before mistakes, back before Phil was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma, back before Heather was diagnosed with a  Pituitary Tumor, and back when I was younger.  When energy was abundant, time was forever, and love was all that we needed.  I was allowing myself to spiral down on the road in life this week, and I need to get off the ride, take a deep breathe and pray.
     Phil's needs to have a "small" surgery soon, and I was caught in the self loathing and silence of my own mind.  Numb with concern, over-whelmed with life regrets, and caught up in the negativty of life.
     It has been a busy week with doctor appointments and work.  My daughter, Heather, had an appointment for a follow-up in regards to her Pituitary Tumor.  Then we had to go to her vision checked with a Opthamologist who specializes in Pituitary Tumors and Neurology.  I am humbled and thankful that everything is in check and no new issues.  Blood work looks good, vision is good, she needs glasses but the tumor is not affecting her vision.  Thank you God.
     Phil has an infection in an old surgery site, his sacral scar.  This is a reoccurring infection and it will need to be opened, cleaned, and plastic surgery will get involved.  This area on his back has had so much radiation that it basically has no healthy tissue underneath.  Plastic surgeon will most likely graft a piece of skin to it, which will in hopes prevent further infections.  We don't have a surgery date yet, we have to go see a Plastic Surgeon next week.  I mean no offense when I say this, but we are not looking forward to another doctor.  It's not that we don't appreciate our doctors and nurses, it's just that we sometimes are done with going to them.  I know God will look over him, and give me strength to get through this, but for a moment I was loathing in self-pity. 
    As I was sitting in the living room loathing in self-pity, complaining of self induced exhaustion, complaining I have to work next few days, and just not my usual self.  It began to storm outside.  The clouds covered the city, lightening and thunder lit up the sky.  It was then that the song by Casting Crown, " Praise You In This Storm" came to mind.  God is good, and all of this is in his hands.  I hope when you go through "storms" in life, you don't forget to pray. It's easy to spiral down, become overwhelmed with stress, and exhaustion.  Just know God loves you, family and friends pray for you, and love will endure.  The sun will shine again.