Butterfly Moments

As I was sitting the other morning, I began to think of the past as long hallways, behind each door are memories and moments filled with life's journeys.  I guess in way I have categorized and stored them behind different doors.   Each door represents the pleasures, love, discouragements, failures and the devastation of negative choices made in life.  Some of the doors are not so easily accessible, some I'd rather keep barricaded.  Those butterfly moments in life I visit with a swinging easily opened summer patio screened door, the ones I could say my whole life is made up of.     

Those memories that are behind the summer patio door are filled with those moments in life, that when you step the memories, each is filled with butterfly moments.  It's warm, cozy, and filled with unconditional love.   I am instantly taken back to the wondrous innocence of my carefree youth.  Or reminiscing the day Phil and I eloped in Virginia, hiking the mountains, sitting by the fire, or when we were back at the hotel and the cleaning lady walked in unannounced (that's a memory all in itself full of nonstop laughter).  I can then revisit quickly the miracle of delivering my two daughters, and how I have been blessed to watch them mature into beautiful young ladies.  Or, I can step into such amazing memories like camping with my family, and floating in inner tubes down the river on a lazy, hot summer day.  Those are the memories that are carefree, easily accessed, and still give you butterflies like the day it happened.   

The doors that I have shut tight have the memories of things like arguments with harsh words spoken in anger, stealing a piece of candy as a young child, or those quick negative judgemental moments on a person who then turns out to be the one who's got your back. Those uncherishable moments in life that when that door is finally pushed open make me sick to my stomach and I cringe in disappointment.  It's those embarrassing moments of failures that I should've got up quickly, dust myself off, and tried again.   I wish there was a way that I could make those doors disappear, although at times I just slam the door quickly.

The double locked and barricaded doors are those memories filled with deep resentment, undeniable painful mistakes, or the forgiveness I've been given when I didn't deserve it.  It takes so much to find the courage to find the key to unlock the locks, rip down the barricade's and slowly open those heavy steel doors.  Then when I finally get the courage to let them open, the flow of tears roar through like a tidal wave.  It's a personal emotional powerful storm filled with waves, thunder, wind, rain, and bolts of lightening piercing the center of my heart.  Those steel doors have haunted my mind, and tormented my soul and broken my heart.  If I could, I'd love nothing more than to burn down the whole room in an instance, however, It just doesn't work like that.  Although, I'd love to erase those past regrets that have been forgiven but will never will be forgotten.

I am finally learning to allow those doors to remain open, taken down the locks and have thrown away the keys.  For the mistakes I have made in life do not define who I am today.  I am not going to allow the branded name of lier, thief, or et cert era to permanently scar me or define me.  Rather I am confident to take the challenge in life and to claim the abundant life God has created just for me.  Thankful for that renewed energy of opening a new door each day armed with the knowledge of lessons learned in the past.  It has encouraged and inspired me into being a better person, loving longer, and attempting to make the most out of life for me and my family.  My wish is for this lifetime that we share together, is for more of my tomorrows to have more easily opened patio door filled with butterfly moments.