Phil is Home.

Phil and Meg enjoying the lightening show.

Heather's Birthday Celebration

Beautiful

Phil is home from a 6 night and 7 day stay in the hospital.  We did get to enjoy a birthday celebration with our daughter, and spend some time together watching the beautiful sunsets at the Cleveland Clinic.  Sounds funny to say "enjoy" when he's in the hospital, but we did enjoy taking him to the rooftop of Cleveland Clinic.  It was a much needed break from the wait of Phil's team deciding what is best for him regarding his infection on his back. 

However, I must admit that the best sunset was the night we came home.  I in sheer exhaution decided that the puppies needed to go on a walk, or their energy could possibly cause me to lose my mind at any moment.  Sometimes, God provides you with just what you need to rejuvinate you in the simplest form at the right moment in life. The picture at the bottom is the sunset Megan and I watched together after a long week.

Unfortunately, Phil's infection that is located on his back which stems from the titanium near his spine is getting worse.  Doctors placed the titanium nearly eight years ago to reconstructe the sacrum after it was shattered from receiving the maximum dose of radiation in attempt to kill the tumor that was located there. Stupid Myeloma.  It's was a blessing that the tumor died, but right now their is an abcess which is an enclosed collection of liquefied tissue, known as pus, near the titanium in his sacrum. It is the result of the body's defensive reaction to the foreign material (or titanium) which now places him at a high risk for the infection to enter into his blood stream and therefore making him septic.  Very dangerous, and very serious.

Enjoying cupcakes from a friend.

It was very difficult for me to wait patiently for the plan.  Some of Phil's "team" wanted to remove the titanium and do surgery, others didn't, and I am pretty sure that some of them didn't even know what was best for Phil, but they would never admit to it.  It just seemed to be happening in slow motion, and I just wanted to take Phil home.  I am thankful he is home today, and can enjoy me harrassing him to the fullest at any given moment (it's what I do best). 

What we know right now is, we wait for the culture to come back, and determine which antibiotic will work best in fighting the infection.  While he was in the hospital they aspirated some of the infection while using guided CT scan to locate the abcess near his spine.  Once they know which antibiotic will work best, they will place a PICC line in his arm.  A PICC line (which is just a long-term intravenous line) will allow him to receive IV antibiotics at home.  Although, the infection will remain while the titanium is there, this will at least suppress the infection and keep him from going septic.  Surgery risks at this time outweighs the benefits, which sounds like a double edged sword.  It needs to come out, but so many risks involved if they perform surgery.  Chemotherapy was stopped for the next week to allow his immune system to rebound.  Which is great because he feels so much better without it, and yet I wonder what the Myeloma is doing without it, stupid Myeloma. 

In this past week I was very stressed from Phil's stupid Myeloma, but God provided a moment of rejuvination and tranquility while enjoying a sunset with family.  It's such a simple pleasure that sometimes we take for granted.  It's amazing to me that no matter what I am going through, or how chaotic my situation may seem, God provides the peace that is needed at the perfect moments in life for me.  Enjoying time with my family and watching a sunset has become one of the greatest memories I treasure.  There is always, always, always, something to be thankful for.

Meg and I went for a walk with the puppies, peaceful, calming, and again beautiful moment in life.

Phil is Back in the Hospital.....

Sometimes I feel so much pain when I realize how much I truly struggle with my trust in God, and how I have even grieved the heart of God for this lack of trust I place in Him. I know I should have more trust in the way God has brought me and my family through so many storms in our life's, and how He has picked me up from my many failures.  Yet, when Phil is struggling with all the aspects of dealing with Multiple Myeloma, I get caught up in having no control over anything, feeling as if life is spinning fast around me, and at this moment is when I allow the doubt, and fear to creep into the mind and consume my heart. 
                                                                                                                                                                                                   
Why do I let myself fail in trusting in God?  For he is all knowing, all powerful, and all mighty.  I usually am quick in prayer when that sets in, and yet, I am still and always learning to lean and trust in God. I have so much pain in my life with dealing with Multiple Myeloma, that I sometimes look around and wonder why are we the one's going through all of this torment physically, financially, spiritually, and emotionally.  Rather than easily throwing words around such as, "Where are you God, and how can this be happening?"  I have, and yet so hesitantly, remind myself and quickly refer back to Romans 5, which is becoming truer and truer in my life.  "Rejoicing in our sufferings, suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope".  Wow, it that ever true.  God hasn't forgotten us, he is reminding me through each trial how much he loves us.

Phil has continued to struggle and suffer daily with the pain in his hips, shoulders, back, neck, and all over generalized pain from cancer.  The pain he deals with lately, is more than overwhelming at times for me.  No matter what Phil is going through, he doesn't allow his cancer to steal his hope, love, peace, and joy from his life.  This past week at times, he has found no comfort at all physically.  He cringes with small movements, and struggles to find that peaceful position physically.  Yet spiritually and emotionally he is full of love, hope, and joy.  He is my inspiration and strength at times when I am so very angry at cancer.

As Phil and I were sleeping the other night, I woke to my foot touching his leg and knew immediately he had spiked a very high temperature.  He was shaking with chills, sweating, and confused.  I wasn't to alarmed with the confusion, I figure you are allowed to be confused when your temperature is 104.7!  However, the fever had me fearful, and scared and he was just so sick.  Phil just doesn't complain much at all, and when he does, then I know it really is bothering him.  He just kept saying, "I don't feel good."  Yet, I couldn't convince him to go to the emergency room, so I did the next best thing and emailed his nurse practitioner at 4:00am, who replied to me at 5:00 am to bring him in anytime to see her this morningng, ASAP preferred.  Which we did go early that morning to see her, and that is when they admitted him to the hospital. 

He is retaining fluid all over, however, he did have an echo cardiogram completed in which we learned that his heart is working fine.  The fluid retention could be just a side effect from the chemotherapy.  None the less, his abdomen is large, and he is short of breath from all of the fluid.

My main concern is still the infection in his back, which remains to be at the center of my heart.  It appears to me to be getting worse, and I am placing it in God's hands.  This infection has been the source of my anxiety, fear, and insecurity.  I pray God you will heal this infection or allow the cancer numbers to come down so that the titanium (source of infection) in his back can be removed surgically.  Even that is so difficult to say, because I know what that surgery entails, and it because of that knowledge I allow the worry to settle in and haunt me.  I must remind myself that when the worry starts, that's when I begin to pray.  For I do know God is near, and in control.

When you are going through trials, struggles, pain, or whatever it may be in you life, just know that fear, pain, and worry are of no help.  Seek God in your prayers, and in your heart.  God knows your situation, and he is near.  Seek him, and he will comfort you.  I promise. Please again, and always, pray for my family as we again are starring at the ugliness of cancer.  Thank you.

Matthew 28:20 "I am with you always, to the very end of the age" 
Philippians 4:5  "The Lord is near."