Sometimes I feel so much pain when I realize how much I truly struggle with my trust in God, and how I have even grieved the heart of God for this lack of trust I place in Him. I know I should have more trust in the way God has brought me and my family through so many storms in our life's, and how He has picked me up from my many failures. Yet, when Phil is struggling with all the aspects of dealing with Multiple Myeloma, I get caught up in having no control over anything, feeling as if life is spinning fast around me, and at this moment is when I allow the doubt, and fear to creep into the mind and consume my heart.
Why do I let myself fail in trusting in God? For he is all knowing, all powerful, and all mighty. I usually am quick in prayer when that sets in, and yet, I am still and always learning to lean and trust in God. I have so much pain in my life with dealing with Multiple Myeloma, that I sometimes look around and wonder why are we the one's going through all of this torment physically, financially, spiritually, and emotionally. Rather than easily throwing words around such as, "Where are you God, and how can this be happening?" I have, and yet so hesitantly, remind myself and quickly refer back to Romans 5, which is becoming truer and truer in my life. "Rejoicing in our sufferings, suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope". Wow, it that ever true. God hasn't forgotten us, he is reminding me through each trial how much he loves us.
Phil has continued to struggle and suffer daily with the pain in his hips, shoulders, back, neck, and all over generalized pain from cancer. The pain he deals with lately, is more than overwhelming at times for me. No matter what Phil is going through, he doesn't allow his cancer to steal his hope, love, peace, and joy from his life. This past week at times, he has found no comfort at all physically. He cringes with small movements, and struggles to find that peaceful position physically. Yet spiritually and emotionally he is full of love, hope, and joy. He is my inspiration and strength at times when I am so very angry at cancer.
As Phil and I were sleeping the other night, I woke to my foot touching his leg and knew immediately he had spiked a very high temperature. He was shaking with chills, sweating, and confused. I wasn't to alarmed with the confusion, I figure you are allowed to be confused when your temperature is 104.7! However, the fever had me fearful, and scared and he was just so sick. Phil just doesn't complain much at all, and when he does, then I know it really is bothering him. He just kept saying, "I don't feel good." Yet, I couldn't convince him to go to the emergency room, so I did the next best thing and emailed his nurse practitioner at 4:00am, who replied to me at 5:00 am to bring him in anytime to see her this morningng, ASAP preferred. Which we did go early that morning to see her, and that is when they admitted him to the hospital.
He is retaining fluid all over, however, he did have an echo cardiogram completed in which we learned that his heart is working fine. The fluid retention could be just a side effect from the chemotherapy. None the less, his abdomen is large, and he is short of breath from all of the fluid.
My main concern is still the infection in his back, which remains to be at the center of my heart. It appears to me to be getting worse, and I am placing it in God's hands. This infection has been the source of my anxiety, fear, and insecurity. I pray God you will heal this infection or allow the cancer numbers to come down so that the titanium (source of infection) in his back can be removed surgically. Even that is so difficult to say, because I know what that surgery entails, and it because of that knowledge I allow the worry to settle in and haunt me. I must remind myself that when the worry starts, that's when I begin to pray. For I do know God is near, and in control.
When you are going through trials, struggles, pain, or whatever it may be in you life, just know that fear, pain, and worry are of no help. Seek God in your prayers, and in your heart. God knows your situation, and he is near. Seek him, and he will comfort you. I promise. Please again, and always, pray for my family as we again are starring at the ugliness of cancer. Thank you.
Matthew 28:20 "I am with you always, to the very end of the age"
Philippians 4:5 "The Lord is near."
No comments:
Post a Comment