Prayer and Praise

Just the other day, I was kinda thinking that for those of us who pray, none of us pray as much as we probably should but all of us pray when we are in need.  Especially when a crisis hits us, and things seem to be falling down around us faster than we can pick the pieces up.  I am consciously making an effort to spend each day in prayer, and yet also in praise for all that He provides to my family.  I can honestly say, I would not be here if it wasn't without God providing for us.  However, it's so difficult when my family seems to be dealing with so many extraordinary issues, that all I want to do is scream, "Please, God help US!"

Many of you will never know the impact that cancer has on a younger couple, and it's effect on all aspects of our lives, and I hope and pray that you never will.  I would never wish the difficulty of cancer on anyone, and especially how it turns life into such a complex structure, and how sometimes even the smallest task can feel like a major hurdle.  How sometimes you can't pray hard enough that his pain will stop, and yet, praising Him for medications that ease his suffering.  It's such an array of emotions, and turmoils. 

I'm home again with him today, and as he sits in his chair, curled up in a blanket, he looks so peaceful and comfortable while sleeping.  Each and every muscle is at ease, and he feels no pain.  It's as if he has no cancer for just that moment.  Yet, soon he will wake, and soon he will be struggling once again.  I pray to capture this peace at least once daily all year.  Lately, I couldn't seem to pray the stress out of our home, but today I captured it and received that peace that passes all understanding. 

He is feeling better after his blood transfusion yesterday, this week has been more difficult for him.  Funny to say more difficult, as each and everyone of his days is difficult.  His blood work revealed his hemoglobin was 7.2 and his hematocrit was 24.1.  He was pale, more fatigued, and just plain tired of cancer this week.  He even said, "I'm done with cancer, doctors, and all the bullshit of caner."  Multiple Myeloma is starting out the year the way it ended, just plain ugly, aggravating, and mean.  To put it simply, it's a daily stressor to see him suffering mentally and physically.  I again felt I was just praying for the need this week, and missing the praise, to the point of becoming angry with God.

I have a long list of prayer requests, and in so many different aspects of our life.  First, I pray for our daughter Megan, for strength and comfort.  When I think of what she has gone through in the last few years, it makes me proud of the young lady she has become.  How many teenagers make sure Dad has taken his medication, or given up a Friday night to take her Dad to his chemotherapy treatment.  I see the pain in her eyes watching her Dad suffering from cancer.  It is such a mentally hard process for her to deal with her Dad suffering from cancer, and at such a young age as well, yet she probably handles some of the "issues" better than most of the adults that I know would!  I love you Megan, and I pray for you daily!

I pray for our daughter Heather, and all that she has gone through dealing with her Dad having cancer.  She also deals with her own diagnosis of a Pituitary Tumor.  She's having a few issues with that right now, and has an appointment to make sure everything is stable there.  She has alot of anxiety in dealing with doctors and medical issues.  Somehow I wonder if it's because of what she has watched her Dad endure.  I pray for strength and comfort for her as well, as life is dealing her her own cards to play, along with worrying about her Dad. 

And yet, sometimes I find it difficult to say I need prayer, or I am struggling.  Why is it that I must feel the need to be the strongest, or the one who puts all the pieces together.  I have such a difficult time in this position of "bread winner and caretaker", and I can't seem to make both run smoothly lately.  It's the guilt of, If I don't work, then no one else does, and if no one else does, then our finances are just not met.  However, when those loving hazel eyes are filled with pain, and despair I will never leave his side.  It's just been trying lately to say the least.  Yet, somehow, God always provides.  So although I want to pray for our needs, I also praise him because He always, always, provides.  Even when I have no idea how we will make it through to tomorrow.

Phil needs to go for an MRI and check the stability of a "spot" on C4 of his spine, please God let it not need radiation or surgery.  He can't take much more right now, and neither can I.  I feel as if somedays I'm falling apart, and barely breathing.  However, I know in the pain there is healing and strength, and for that I praise you God.  So, I am holding on to Your grace, but barely somedays, and I keep reminding myself  prayer and praise need to go hand in hand, for one without the other just doesn't seem right.