Sometimes It Feel As It's More Than You Can Take

When I turn to God for clarity, guidance, direction and comfort, He is faithful to affirm my doubt and emptiness.  Such a difficult year this has been for Phil and I, and I rest assured in His presence that He will renew my strength.  Sometimes I even smile through the dark hours of dealing with Multiple Myeloma.  I am learning that nothing can disturb me unless I allow it, regardless of the events we have endured.

For those of you who don't know Phil's kidneys have shut down and he's doing dialysis three times a week.  Our original plan was to make it through Meg's prom, and our anniversary, then we were going to enter into hospice.  However, Phil has been given a new strength and a will to live. It is mainly because w are no longer doing chemotherapy, which has also rebooted him for life. 

Component	Standard Range		12/2/2011		1/6/2012		2/22/2012		4/10/2012	4/20/2012	5/25/2012
Kappa Free, Serum	3.3-19.4 mg/L		1711.6 H		872.3 H		1214.4 H		4595.8 H	6045.6 H	37312.0
K/L Ratio, Serum	0.26-1.65		>713.17 H		363.46		238.12 H		2188.48	2628.52	7773.33

The above column is what the used to detect Phil's Myeloma levels in his blood, and I have only listed a few but you can see the numbers are rising.  In my mind I see doubt, fear, and emotions that if I allow will run wild.  It's difficult at times as a nurse to see these numbers and not allow God to step in and provide the serenity of calmness that only He can provide.  It takes a choice to turn off everything around me and allow the undisturbed comfort the only God can provide.

Phil has an MRI on Thursday morning because of the amount of pain in his spine.  Then later in the day we have a sit down meeting with Pain Management, and Oncologists.  Based on the results we will resume the discussion of what the plan is, and It's a difficult road no matter which road is chosen. 

I choose to be an open channel for God's guidance on what is best for Phil.  I want him to have the best that life will offer him, not just numbers of month's they choose to give Phil.  I want what God's will is, and what God can and will provide. 

Hey, Hey, Hey,   ....Alright, Alright, Alright!   (now just imagine hearing that in my best Mathew McConnohawk-Ptoooey impersonation!!!!.....      Thats right Kiddies, the Man has taken over the blog responsibilities for this evening - and she doesnt know it yet, but im gonna finish this blog - basically thanking God, and letting you all know what it is like to have found that one person, THEE person that you you know that you can finish out your days with, (the docs have basically givin me less than 2 months) and I intend to do a few things (despite the ever-increasing pain, that they are trying to get under control for me, so I can have a little fun before i check-out).

The MRI's showed more tumor mass forming on my spine, thats why theres a ton of new pain, and thats why I'm struggling now. The ups and downs of life. Except it translates into the compression and de-compression of my cancer riddled spine. And it all sux the BIG ONE, cuz now its gotten ahold of my Kidneys, and if it wasnt for dialysis, I'd be toast already, cuz I wouldn't have anything cleaning my blood for me.

So thats whats going on w\me for right now, and it's breaking my heart watching the woman that I love the the most go thru this. She deserves so much better, for all that she's done for me ever since day 1 of my diagnoses - she has been incredible. And I know, given what we've been thru, that there's maybe 1 - 5 ladies (in the N.E.Ohio area) that would dare to even step-up and help someone thru what she has helped me thru.

She is incredible, there is no love that is stronger, and hopefully, with our strength in prayer, our deep love for each-other, and all the people we have praying with us, maybe...   ...just maybe...      ...there's a miricle out there with our names on it! And if not, I'm certain that she will come out from that battle, with her armor even more chinked, and beat-up yet again from the battle of watching her husband die, allbeit wiser, more refined in the teachings of our Bible, and somehow, ready to help someone else thru a difficult time in thier life. Thats just how selfless she is. And throughout our 20 years together, I've seen it time & time again, its all that makes her, the amazing woman that she is. The best part of this is not that I'm on the recieving end of all her Love and care (although its truly amazing to have somebody love you to such an extent) the truly amazing thing of all this, is watching how she passes it all down to our 2 beautiful daughters.

Our daughters are amazing, and before I go, Im just gonna let you all know how lucky of a guy I am, having been able to have lived the life I've led, which I owe mostly to my wife and daughtgers. I'm a very lucky guy, And I'd like to thank my God, my Wife, my Family, friends, and all those that I have had a good time with along the way....    ....hopefully, I'll be able to write again -before its all said and done....        .....peace, love, and the best of it all, to you and yours.... 
                     ......and all my love, to my lovely wife......