Moving Forward

I find few things in life that more more heart-rendering than the loss of my husband Phil.  He passed away July 10, 2012 and it will forever live in my heart as a date that I will remember forever.  He fought such a heroic battle with Multiple Myeloma, and I miss him deeply.  I am now learning of the work that is involved in the grieving process, yes it's work.  It has become at times, unpredictible, unbearable and very chaotic when I attempt it on my own. All are equally as tough for me since I consider myself "usually" a well planned, consistent, and organized.  In this grieving process, well, I am finding it has no specific time line or direct path.  However, God is teaching me so much about the impact that He has in my life, and the strength that only He can provide in the moments that He chooses.

In the begining days shorly after the burial of Phil I was filled with anxiety and worry.  I was lost in the thought of how will and, how can life go on? I lost track of time and it seemed as though the world just kept spinning and the days blended together. I couldn't imagine going back to work, enjoying life, and I didn't want to do it without him.  I began to carry this heavy burden of many regrets, worry, anxiety, fear, and loneliness. I felt like God had abandoned me at times, and taken away my best friend. Oh, but God has not forgotten me, or my girls. He has wrapped me closer and provided many comforts from words of love and kindness from friends, coworkers, and family.  I thank all of you, and my God.

I find great peace in knowing Phil's death is not a defeat.  (2 Corinthians 5:8) Far more than just being "absent from the body"; death means being "present with the Lord". I look forwarding to seeing him again one day. I often look up to heaven and smile because I know he is walking around with no more pain, and wonder what is he doing up there. It is not always that easy, and at times I have even become angry with God, why did you take my best friend from me.

I opened my bible to  (Romans 8:28) "All things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose". I am filled with a loving God, and I am reminded that Phil left a legacy of his love for God, his family, and friends. It was God who shined in Phil's fight with the pain of dealing with Myeloma, treatments, and suffering that he still thanked God for all that He gave him. I know the impact that Phil has left on so many lives during this time, and God was honored through it all.

God is counseling me, and teaching me through my life.  His words guide me and comfort me when I don't do it on my own.  The moments when grieving strikes and I am left again feeling alone, I now fall on my knees and pray to God.  I have found some of the most difficult times in this journey our my "new" firsts.  I found sleeping alone in our bed one of the most difficult times, having my morning coffee without him to face a new day, or a new challenge or decision that needs to made without his input down right discouraging. 

One particular Tuesday I was rushed into the emotions of grief.  The mounds of emotions, regrets, sadness, worry, and anxiety I carried for the whole day. It started with to many of my "new" firsts, followed by what to do with my house. I let myself hibernate in my bed, covers over my head for the whole day. I moped around in numbness, dispare, and discouragement. When I finally mustard enough energy to get up, I realized what I was doing. Processing on my own, I picked up my bible, and I read the verse, "who will save me but God." What a lesson I learned. As I began to pray, repent, and release all of it I was filled with peace and strength. I was quickly reminded of a whole day ruined in unneeded, unhealthy, unproductive worry and fear.  God is there always, waiting for you to call on him, and he will guide you.

He has provided me with healing moments in the beauty he creates and sometimes we miss in our hurry of a day.  I can was comforted by a double rainbow one day on my way home from work.  A gentle warm summer breeze that filled my soul with His holy spirit.  It's still a learning process daily, but God does walk with you if you let him each step of the way.