Spit On It and Set It On Fire.

      If theres anyone that hasn't dealt with Cancer up close and personal, they may not exactly understand the turmoil it throws your life into. Especially a terminal, incurable, Cancer called Multiple Myeloma.  Its an ugly disease, mean, ruthless, rotten and relentless.  And lately I find myself just plain ANGRY with it.
     Occasionally  people will ask, "How's you husband doing?".  I will go into a short story of well;  he has a broken foot, or there's 8 new "spots", or there going be several new tests this week, or we have 3 days down at the clinic which can be tiring, stressful, and exhausting.  I can tell the difference between the ones who truly care, and the ones who are asking just to be polite.  If your asking just to be polite, then I'd rather you not ask at all.  This way I don't have to go through the whole ordeal of reliving it, when I know that it will all be forgotten as soon as I walk away.  Because For Us, it remains a Financial, Emotional, Physical, Spirutual, and Mental battle. Every minute, every hour, every day, a constant, ongoing battle and it makes me ANGRY.
     We had Thanksgiving at Phil's Mom"s house yesterday.  Phil had a treatment on Tuesday, it's Zometa IV, which is a bone strengthener.  It makes him feel terrible for a week after.  He is sore, stiff, and his pain is worse, which at times adds to his depression.  Then add on the two Chemotherapy medications he's on and it's not so much fun for him.  He struggled to make it through his mom's dinner.  At times he would break out in a sweat, at times you could see the pain, and at times you could just plain see him struggle. Sometimes, I  feel like I am the only one who notices these changes in him.  I have watched him struggle for years with Multiple Myeloma and quiet frankly, cancer makes me ANGRY.  I wish that I could ball it up, smoosh it together, throw it on the ground, stomp it to death, spit on it, then set it on fire.  In fact, I do do that at times, of course, in my imagination......and I find that it's quite therapeutic.  Needless to say, we did not stay long at his mom's house this year.  Years ago, we would of been there for well into the night, playing games, cards, and enjoying the company of family, however, this Cancer constantly robs him, and us, of doing the things that we love most in life.  Especially, during the holidays. which of course, makes me ANGRY. 
     I also get angry at it because it dictates control of our lives when it's not wanted and has no right in doing so!  It says when he doesn't feel good, makes him tired, makes him sick to his stomach, hurts him all over,  makes him depressed, and sadly it also makes us choose between paying for medications or buying a washer and dryer (medications win always).  It states you have 3 appts this week downtown, tells you your on disability for life, then it decides whether or not he is up to going out to store with me, because he is to fatigued to go.  It brings worry in times of happiness, tells you must take off work to care for your husband, it glares in the faces of  our broken hearted girls as I tell them that the cancer is back. And again it makes me ANGRY.  So in my darkest hour, I fall to my knees and yank it from his body, roll it in a ball, smoosh it together, throw it on the ground, stomp it to death, spit on it. then set it on fire.  I demand to it, you will not take my joy or my love.  I will tell it what I feel, and dictate to it which emotions I choose to express, and when I will accept it's relentless desire to wear us down.  I will not let it control us anymore, as much as possible anyway, now this makes me HAPPY.
     I know I sound angy and negative, but don't get me wrong.  If there is anything to be thankful for, it is the time that we get to spend together now.  He is home 24/7 and I love that time with him.  I also love his abilty to be home with our daughters. This is not something that we have had the pleasure of experiencing in our lives before cancer.  We both worked many hours, and he worked two jobs.  So the hours we now have together are cherished.  However, cancer still sucks, and it makes me ANGRY.  
     Whatever your struggle in life, find a way to conquer it.  Don't let it rob you of the all the joy and love inside of you.  Find a way to take control of it, "ball it up, stomp on it, spit on it, and set it on fire if you must", (not literally of course but spirtually and mentally) ....... it works for me.  Stupid Cancer.

Why do we worry.....

     Phil and I are usually pretty good about counting our blessings.  Phil has a terminal cancer called Multiple Myeloma, and we make frequent trips downtown to visit the Clinic.  He is burdened with not being able to walk long distances without pain, sit in one position for a period of time without pain, takes a massive of amount of medications which includes two different pill forms of chemotherapy, fatigue, nausea, insomnia, frequent MRI's and xrays, and at times battles depression regarding financial stress, and emotional stress he feels responsible for putting on his family.
     In spite of cancer we have learned to laugh at our "bad luck", and "count our blessings" even when things seem to be on the negative side of life.  Although lately, I have found myself in worry, pierced with no sense of direction, and emotional worn down with watching Phil suffer with cancer.
     Worry is useless, and eats at the heart of hope.  It drags you down, instead of being building you up.  It trys, and sometimes succeeds to rear it's ugly face in the midst of your storm.  I have decided to move past worry and look forward but lately I can not, and quiet frankley it's making me mad.
     It's hard watching the man you love struggle with such an ugly disease.  I guess lately I am a little depressed and my heart is broken for him.  He has been through so much, and I hate to seem him struggle with his disease.  I am trying and learning to lean more into my faith and God.
     Sunday at work, one of my patients asked, "What does you husband do for a living?".  I explained that he is disabled, and has cancer.  She stated, "If it would not offend you I would like to pray for him."  I was humbled at this gesture, from a little old lady laying in a hospital bed wanting to pray for him.  So she prayed a wonderful, geniune prayer.  It was filled with hope, healing and love.  At the end of the prayer, she said to me, "Jenny, God wants you to believe this prayer, and he knows that Phil loved his motorcycle, and misses riding it." Now for some of you skeptics it seems unreal.  However, I believe that was for me, from God,  to learn to not worry, and embrace hope.
     Sometimes, all you need is a little gesture from a lovely lady, to give you hope instead of worry..... thanks for those kind words at right moment.

Sticks and Stones

     What is the Greek meaning of rudeness, it is shameful or disgraceful.  I am guitly of being rude, and using words in a malicious intent to hurt others and I am deeply saddened with my actions.  Hindsight is 20/20, and I cannot go back and change those actions but move forward and learn from my mistakes.
     To listen to our vocabulary you'd think we were victims of our thoughts and tongues, as if they were in control of us.  We like to blame our mood on our words.  "I was in a bad mood", as is we have no control.  Foul language, name calling, swearing, and rudeness is not used because of what mood we are in, or what demenour we have, but rather as a choice of weapon.
     The old saying we all learned as a child; "Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me", is WRONG.  Name calling, rudeness and swearing at someone does hurt.  It hurts the heart of a YOU-nique individual.  It leaves an emotional attatchment to what we feel and think of ourselves, or how we perceive what someone thinks of us.  Sometimes easily forgotten, and sometimes that memory lasts a life time.
      Is it ok to get angry, certainly.  Is is ok to disagree with someone, of course. Do we have the right to bark at our kids? Yes. Do we have the right to dominate the arguement at times with our spouses? Absolutely, but an arguement, or disagreement can be done in loving way.
     How we respond and treat others is our own choice.  The words we use, the thoughts we think, and the reactions we give to people IS a choice.  So next time your about to lash out with foul language, name calling, or smearing one's name; pause and think.  Maybe try to use language that will deescalate the situation, you can also walk away then regroup when tempers are not ignited , or you can use a loving constructive critizism.
     I am not saying this is easy, but words of descruction cut right to the heart...
    
 

Life long, and life too short

     I was thinking today of life, some of us live long lives, and some seem short lived.  We say things such as, He was so young, Her time here was cut short, and they died so young.  However, Psalm 119:16 says, All the days planned for me were written in your book before I was one day old.
     If we compare our life to eternity, our life here on earth appears to be a speck of sand on the beach.  If you believe in God,  then you know in God's plan each death is in his time.  And all though each of us wishes to live long and healthy, God knows better.
     As I get older I am grateful for the years I have been blessed with, the loving memories with family, the moments of relaxing, the Thanksgiving dinners, the Christmas cookies baked, and the hot chocolate mom would have waiting for me when I came in from playing outside in the snow.
     Most of us have been through the loss of a loved one, or maybe we have someone in our life that is battling a terminal disease.  Don't think of those precious moments as to short, but remember and cherish the moments imbedded in your memory.  Instead take what time you have on earth and make it count, however much time that may be.  Make sure that the life you have is meaningful, filled with love, laughter, and memories.

I will be there

     I have two amazing daughters who are growing into two beautiful young ladies.  I sometimes have doubted myself as being a mother who is always there for my girls.  Yet, my girls will come to talk to me about anything going on in their life.  Sometimes I have to coax it out of my youngest but yet she will open up, and out pours everything that is on her mind.  I try to always be there for my children, and yet at times I fail.
     Nothing takes the place of your presence.  Showing up at a play, showing up at a game, showing up at any performance.  You have been blessed with a unique individual child, we must mold them, strengthen them, and build them up to be the best that they can be; otherwise the world may miss out on what potential they have.
     I missed parent night last year at Meg's Parent Night, Band Performance.  Phil, my husband, was sick that evening from chemotherapy, and I was just tired.  We both laid down to nap before the game, and the next thing we got was a text from Megan,  "I was the only one standing there without my parents."  My heart sunk, and my daughter was hurt.  Megan deals with alot with her dad having cancer and is very understanding when he is not feeling good.  However, when I don't even show up it's uncalled for because I believe she is worth my time.  Showing up gives them the confidence and reassurance of being loved, and cared about. 
     If you want to make a difference in your child, if you believe in your child, then show up to anything and everything that you can.  It is a sign of love, "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
    
 

Be On Your Guard Against Greed

     I was reading this morning that in 1900 the average person living in the United States wanted 72 different things, and considered 18 of the essential.  Today, the average person wants 500 different things and considers 100 of them essential.
     John D Rockefeller was asked once, "How much money does it take to satisfy a man?"  He replied, "Just a little more."  I remember in my early 20's when I would think, if I just made this much money it would be easier and I would be happier.  It didn't get easier, I just wished for a little more. 
      Greed comes in many forms and has many faces.  Some of us want the fastest car, the nicest home, the higher status, the most applause, the prettiest date, or what ever hunger pain it gives you.  Greed can lead you to debt, ruin relationships, or leave you feeling empty.  When greed begins to growl in your stomach, and you feed it, you begin to lose all sense of purpose.  Greed can take over your whole sense of being, making you chase after material things that will never be enough and you will always want more. 
     "Whoever loves money never has enough; whoever loves wealth never has enough income. (Eccles 5:10 NIV).   I want to get out of debt, live within my means, and enjoy more time with my family.  I don't want to owe anyone, or chase the buck to get it, I want a simplier life with the purpose of time with family.  Each day is precious, each moment with them is cherished, and "things" will come and go.... family will not.