Spit On It and Set It On Fire.

      If theres anyone that hasn't dealt with Cancer up close and personal, they may not exactly understand the turmoil it throws your life into. Especially a terminal, incurable, Cancer called Multiple Myeloma.  Its an ugly disease, mean, ruthless, rotten and relentless.  And lately I find myself just plain ANGRY with it.
     Occasionally  people will ask, "How's you husband doing?".  I will go into a short story of well;  he has a broken foot, or there's 8 new "spots", or there going be several new tests this week, or we have 3 days down at the clinic which can be tiring, stressful, and exhausting.  I can tell the difference between the ones who truly care, and the ones who are asking just to be polite.  If your asking just to be polite, then I'd rather you not ask at all.  This way I don't have to go through the whole ordeal of reliving it, when I know that it will all be forgotten as soon as I walk away.  Because For Us, it remains a Financial, Emotional, Physical, Spirutual, and Mental battle. Every minute, every hour, every day, a constant, ongoing battle and it makes me ANGRY.
     We had Thanksgiving at Phil's Mom"s house yesterday.  Phil had a treatment on Tuesday, it's Zometa IV, which is a bone strengthener.  It makes him feel terrible for a week after.  He is sore, stiff, and his pain is worse, which at times adds to his depression.  Then add on the two Chemotherapy medications he's on and it's not so much fun for him.  He struggled to make it through his mom's dinner.  At times he would break out in a sweat, at times you could see the pain, and at times you could just plain see him struggle. Sometimes, I  feel like I am the only one who notices these changes in him.  I have watched him struggle for years with Multiple Myeloma and quiet frankly, cancer makes me ANGRY.  I wish that I could ball it up, smoosh it together, throw it on the ground, stomp it to death, spit on it, then set it on fire.  In fact, I do do that at times, of course, in my imagination......and I find that it's quite therapeutic.  Needless to say, we did not stay long at his mom's house this year.  Years ago, we would of been there for well into the night, playing games, cards, and enjoying the company of family, however, this Cancer constantly robs him, and us, of doing the things that we love most in life.  Especially, during the holidays. which of course, makes me ANGRY. 
     I also get angry at it because it dictates control of our lives when it's not wanted and has no right in doing so!  It says when he doesn't feel good, makes him tired, makes him sick to his stomach, hurts him all over,  makes him depressed, and sadly it also makes us choose between paying for medications or buying a washer and dryer (medications win always).  It states you have 3 appts this week downtown, tells you your on disability for life, then it decides whether or not he is up to going out to store with me, because he is to fatigued to go.  It brings worry in times of happiness, tells you must take off work to care for your husband, it glares in the faces of  our broken hearted girls as I tell them that the cancer is back. And again it makes me ANGRY.  So in my darkest hour, I fall to my knees and yank it from his body, roll it in a ball, smoosh it together, throw it on the ground, stomp it to death, spit on it. then set it on fire.  I demand to it, you will not take my joy or my love.  I will tell it what I feel, and dictate to it which emotions I choose to express, and when I will accept it's relentless desire to wear us down.  I will not let it control us anymore, as much as possible anyway, now this makes me HAPPY.
     I know I sound angy and negative, but don't get me wrong.  If there is anything to be thankful for, it is the time that we get to spend together now.  He is home 24/7 and I love that time with him.  I also love his abilty to be home with our daughters. This is not something that we have had the pleasure of experiencing in our lives before cancer.  We both worked many hours, and he worked two jobs.  So the hours we now have together are cherished.  However, cancer still sucks, and it makes me ANGRY.  
     Whatever your struggle in life, find a way to conquer it.  Don't let it rob you of the all the joy and love inside of you.  Find a way to take control of it, "ball it up, stomp on it, spit on it, and set it on fire if you must", (not literally of course but spirtually and mentally) ....... it works for me.  Stupid Cancer.