Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Saturday, September 8, 2012
It's Like Going to the Dentist
Romans 5:5 And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.
The definition of a broken heart is "devastating sorrow and despair". At times I feel as if my heart has been crushed with grief. I think the definition can go even deeper to include there are no words, or emotion to describe a deeply wounded, grieving heart. Mine is broken, broken into a million pieces, scarred and left with a big crack down the center. Insufferable as it feels at times, it is mending, but quickly heals when I allow God to put the right ointment on it. God is teaching me slowly, and yes at times it's painfully slow, not because of Him but because of my own resistance. I find myself running away in the opposite direction to avoid the pain. He is there, covering the wounds with love, strength, and courage to face a new day, I just need to come to Him.
One day, I recall having the sudden realization that Phil will never walk through the doors of our home ever again. It was a painful thought, filled with sorrow, and my heart just ached - if I could just hear him walk through the door again one more time. I kept pushing what I thought was just an obvious thought to the side. As I was thinking to myself, "I must be crazy that I am having this thought, and that this thought is bothering me. Of course he won't walk through our doors." So in my stubbornness I would push it to the side, not wanting to acknowledge it. It would cross my mind again, and I moved around it, scurried it away, thinking "this is just down right ridiculous". I bottled it up, quickly moved to another thought, then I said OK it's fine - I put a little band aid on it, and became angry. Again, I felt as if God has left me here alone without my best friend. Then that pain of loneliness began to ease its way deeper into my heart, and the wound began to open wider, tear at my heart strings, and pierce its way to the center. If I would have only brought it to God in the first place, it wouldn't of taken so long to move through it, instead of circling a thousand times! I am so stubborn, I can even get on my own nerves. Why must I do things the hard way?
I will be honest, when it comes to dealing with pain, I am a slow learner in how to cope with it. I am one who will avoid an argument, shut down when it comes to confrontation, or just ignore it so "it will go away." It doesn't matter how insignificant or "crazy" my thoughts or emotions may appear, it is rightfully mine to own, and process. However, it's when I don't take it to God, that is when I find that I am drowning deeper in my pain, and flooding in my sorrow. My heart feels like it's an open wound that I have just poured a bottle of rubbing alcohol on, and boy it hurts. The scar opens wider, the pain intensifies, then the roots of my emotions become deeply planted as if to stick around and grow forever. Oh my stubbornness, grrrr.
God is teaching me how He can use those "little" things to get my attention, pour out his love, mercy, and strength during those "crazy" moments of grieving. “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit,” wrote David (Psalm 34:18The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.
See All..., NIV). It seems so simple, but yet you never know what emotion, or thought will stop you in your tracks, until you go through them and in order to move through them you must walk with God. He is there, and he does apply the right "ointment" to heal the brokenhearted.
Pain is something you have to deal with in life, it's like going to the dentist for me - no offense to my wonderful dentist who knows me all too well. I will cancel an appointment just because I am having the thought of the pain and anxiety I will endure. When it's cancelled then I regret I didn't just go and get it over with. Instead, I will postpone, avoid, and wait until I am woken in the middle of the night with a toothache that is aching, and throbbing. What should of been a small filling has grown deep now it is requiring a root canal, or even worse it needs pulled. I am finding that dealing with grief is much like a cavity. The pain, thoughts and emotions of losing Phil, no matter how insignificant they seem - if I try to avoid, scurry around, or ignore the thoughts that I feel that are "little", or "crazy obvious" - well it's still pain, and left alone will get bigger requiring more extensive treatment.
I am learning how grief can affect my thinking, behavior, emotions, relationships, and health. I have had sleepless nights, exhaustion for no apparent reason, lack of appetite, over eating, memory lapses, and the notion of my little thought that turn into deep valleys. I am learning to own these are part of my reactions and personal walks with my grief. Once I realize my actions, and I turn to God, then He will lead me safely through "the valley of the shadow". Do you know what's on the other side of every shadow? It's light. God will walk with you to the light on the other side, and bring you back stronger.
Ecclesiastes 3:1,4 says “To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance." I miss you Phil, but we will meet again one day.
The definition of a broken heart is "devastating sorrow and despair". At times I feel as if my heart has been crushed with grief. I think the definition can go even deeper to include there are no words, or emotion to describe a deeply wounded, grieving heart. Mine is broken, broken into a million pieces, scarred and left with a big crack down the center. Insufferable as it feels at times, it is mending, but quickly heals when I allow God to put the right ointment on it. God is teaching me slowly, and yes at times it's painfully slow, not because of Him but because of my own resistance. I find myself running away in the opposite direction to avoid the pain. He is there, covering the wounds with love, strength, and courage to face a new day, I just need to come to Him.
One day, I recall having the sudden realization that Phil will never walk through the doors of our home ever again. It was a painful thought, filled with sorrow, and my heart just ached - if I could just hear him walk through the door again one more time. I kept pushing what I thought was just an obvious thought to the side. As I was thinking to myself, "I must be crazy that I am having this thought, and that this thought is bothering me. Of course he won't walk through our doors." So in my stubbornness I would push it to the side, not wanting to acknowledge it. It would cross my mind again, and I moved around it, scurried it away, thinking "this is just down right ridiculous". I bottled it up, quickly moved to another thought, then I said OK it's fine - I put a little band aid on it, and became angry. Again, I felt as if God has left me here alone without my best friend. Then that pain of loneliness began to ease its way deeper into my heart, and the wound began to open wider, tear at my heart strings, and pierce its way to the center. If I would have only brought it to God in the first place, it wouldn't of taken so long to move through it, instead of circling a thousand times! I am so stubborn, I can even get on my own nerves. Why must I do things the hard way?
I will be honest, when it comes to dealing with pain, I am a slow learner in how to cope with it. I am one who will avoid an argument, shut down when it comes to confrontation, or just ignore it so "it will go away." It doesn't matter how insignificant or "crazy" my thoughts or emotions may appear, it is rightfully mine to own, and process. However, it's when I don't take it to God, that is when I find that I am drowning deeper in my pain, and flooding in my sorrow. My heart feels like it's an open wound that I have just poured a bottle of rubbing alcohol on, and boy it hurts. The scar opens wider, the pain intensifies, then the roots of my emotions become deeply planted as if to stick around and grow forever. Oh my stubbornness, grrrr.
God is teaching me how He can use those "little" things to get my attention, pour out his love, mercy, and strength during those "crazy" moments of grieving. “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit,” wrote David (Psalm 34:18The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.
See All..., NIV). It seems so simple, but yet you never know what emotion, or thought will stop you in your tracks, until you go through them and in order to move through them you must walk with God. He is there, and he does apply the right "ointment" to heal the brokenhearted.
Pain is something you have to deal with in life, it's like going to the dentist for me - no offense to my wonderful dentist who knows me all too well. I will cancel an appointment just because I am having the thought of the pain and anxiety I will endure. When it's cancelled then I regret I didn't just go and get it over with. Instead, I will postpone, avoid, and wait until I am woken in the middle of the night with a toothache that is aching, and throbbing. What should of been a small filling has grown deep now it is requiring a root canal, or even worse it needs pulled. I am finding that dealing with grief is much like a cavity. The pain, thoughts and emotions of losing Phil, no matter how insignificant they seem - if I try to avoid, scurry around, or ignore the thoughts that I feel that are "little", or "crazy obvious" - well it's still pain, and left alone will get bigger requiring more extensive treatment.
I am learning how grief can affect my thinking, behavior, emotions, relationships, and health. I have had sleepless nights, exhaustion for no apparent reason, lack of appetite, over eating, memory lapses, and the notion of my little thought that turn into deep valleys. I am learning to own these are part of my reactions and personal walks with my grief. Once I realize my actions, and I turn to God, then He will lead me safely through "the valley of the shadow". Do you know what's on the other side of every shadow? It's light. God will walk with you to the light on the other side, and bring you back stronger.
Ecclesiastes 3:1,4 says “To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance." I miss you Phil, but we will meet again one day.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Under Construction
I have fond memories of multiple trips to our local Home Depot with my beloved husband. The other day, I had to make my "new first" trip without him. I was prepared to recapture the priceless, and cherished moments of my life working on certain projects with Phil. Just as I had predicted, I was instantly engulfed with Phil at the entrance of the door. It was the scent of fresh cut wood that lingered in the air as I walked through the automatic doors. It was a time of reflection of all that I learned from him in our backyard or in the "man cave" measuring, cutting, planning and laughing. All the things that we have torn down, then rebuilt with a better structure, quality, and strength. The most important part of rebuilding is the foundation, and I had a wonderful husband whose life was built on the foundation of God.
Just as God is, Phil was always was specific, detailed, and meticulous in his design of the foundation. "The foundations are what make a structure solid", he would remind me. He would spend what felt like an eternity digging the hole deep enough to poor the concrete, set the beam, and allow it to set. He taught me much about patience, because I would continue to say, "That's good, what's next." Just as in life, you can hurry along, put all your money and time and effort into a beautiful house, but without a solid foundation it will all come crashing down. What is your foundation in life built on? Are you anchored securely to God?
Everyone of you can expect to experience storms in your life - nobody is exempt – both the rich and poor, young and old we will all face storms. Jesus says that to build a life that succeeds, that will last, you have to build on ROCK - on Him and His word. He is the unshakable foundation we need to face the challenges in life. Everything else that we trust in, rely on, changes, fades, washes away, and fails.
The first step is believing in Him, Christ loves you, and accepts you just as you are. He is faithful and just to forgive us. How great is it to think of God wrapped around you during your storm. He is willing and able to rebuild, comfort, and strengthen you in your weakest hour. Just call on Him, and he will be there.
I am not perfect in this challenge of losing my loving husband. At times I feel as if my life that has been structurally chipped away, torn down, and left deserted. I had a realization one day, and it hit me all at once. "One day I was married, and the next day I was a widow." Wow, it impacted my identity, faith, and strength at different stages over the past month. At times I have felt alone, fearful, depressed, and lonely. I went as far as telling God he has left me in destruction, only to find out I am under construction. He is rebuilding, remodeling, and teaching me on His solid ground, for He is my carpenter.
Some of you may not have lost a husband, but maybe your dealing with divorce, drugs, alcohol, relationships with your children, or whatever it is in your life keeping you from being what God wants you to be. Before you can begin healing, mending, and repairing your life you need an overhaul with God, you need to set firm in the foundation built on Him and His word.
Father thank you for your strength to hold me in this storm. Thank you for carrying me through the rain, trials, and learning process's of life. I ask for your guidance, comfort, and to let your light shine through me during this difficult rain in my life. I place my life on promises of Your word, and ask that you help me keep the foundation solid as you work in my life. In Jesus name, Amen.
Matthew 7:24-27
Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because its foundation on the rock.
Just as God is, Phil was always was specific, detailed, and meticulous in his design of the foundation. "The foundations are what make a structure solid", he would remind me. He would spend what felt like an eternity digging the hole deep enough to poor the concrete, set the beam, and allow it to set. He taught me much about patience, because I would continue to say, "That's good, what's next." Just as in life, you can hurry along, put all your money and time and effort into a beautiful house, but without a solid foundation it will all come crashing down. What is your foundation in life built on? Are you anchored securely to God?
Everyone of you can expect to experience storms in your life - nobody is exempt – both the rich and poor, young and old we will all face storms. Jesus says that to build a life that succeeds, that will last, you have to build on ROCK - on Him and His word. He is the unshakable foundation we need to face the challenges in life. Everything else that we trust in, rely on, changes, fades, washes away, and fails.
The first step is believing in Him, Christ loves you, and accepts you just as you are. He is faithful and just to forgive us. How great is it to think of God wrapped around you during your storm. He is willing and able to rebuild, comfort, and strengthen you in your weakest hour. Just call on Him, and he will be there.
I am not perfect in this challenge of losing my loving husband. At times I feel as if my life that has been structurally chipped away, torn down, and left deserted. I had a realization one day, and it hit me all at once. "One day I was married, and the next day I was a widow." Wow, it impacted my identity, faith, and strength at different stages over the past month. At times I have felt alone, fearful, depressed, and lonely. I went as far as telling God he has left me in destruction, only to find out I am under construction. He is rebuilding, remodeling, and teaching me on His solid ground, for He is my carpenter.
Some of you may not have lost a husband, but maybe your dealing with divorce, drugs, alcohol, relationships with your children, or whatever it is in your life keeping you from being what God wants you to be. Before you can begin healing, mending, and repairing your life you need an overhaul with God, you need to set firm in the foundation built on Him and His word.
Father thank you for your strength to hold me in this storm. Thank you for carrying me through the rain, trials, and learning process's of life. I ask for your guidance, comfort, and to let your light shine through me during this difficult rain in my life. I place my life on promises of Your word, and ask that you help me keep the foundation solid as you work in my life. In Jesus name, Amen.
Matthew 7:24-27
Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because its foundation on the rock.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Moving Forward
I find few things in life that more more heart-rendering than the loss of my husband Phil. He passed away July 10, 2012 and it will forever live in my heart as a date that I will remember forever. He fought such a heroic battle with Multiple Myeloma, and I miss him deeply. I am now learning of the work that is involved in the grieving process, yes it's work. It has become at times, unpredictible, unbearable and very chaotic when I attempt it on my own. All are equally as tough for me since I consider myself "usually" a well planned, consistent, and organized. In this grieving process, well, I am finding it has no specific time line or direct path. However, God is teaching me so much about the impact that He has in my life, and the strength that only He can provide in the moments that He chooses.
In the begining days shorly after the burial of Phil I was filled with anxiety and worry. I was lost in the thought of how will and, how can life go on? I lost track of time and it seemed as though the world just kept spinning and the days blended together. I couldn't imagine going back to work, enjoying life, and I didn't want to do it without him. I began to carry this heavy burden of many regrets, worry, anxiety, fear, and loneliness. I felt like God had abandoned me at times, and taken away my best friend. Oh, but God has not forgotten me, or my girls. He has wrapped me closer and provided many comforts from words of love and kindness from friends, coworkers, and family. I thank all of you, and my God.
I find great peace in knowing Phil's death is not a defeat. (2 Corinthians 5:8) Far more than just being "absent from the body"; death means being "present with the Lord". I look forwarding to seeing him again one day. I often look up to heaven and smile because I know he is walking around with no more pain, and wonder what is he doing up there. It is not always that easy, and at times I have even become angry with God, why did you take my best friend from me.
I opened my bible to (Romans 8:28) "All things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose". I am filled with a loving God, and I am reminded that Phil left a legacy of his love for God, his family, and friends. It was God who shined in Phil's fight with the pain of dealing with Myeloma, treatments, and suffering that he still thanked God for all that He gave him. I know the impact that Phil has left on so many lives during this time, and God was honored through it all.
God is counseling me, and teaching me through my life. His words guide me and comfort me when I don't do it on my own. The moments when grieving strikes and I am left again feeling alone, I now fall on my knees and pray to God. I have found some of the most difficult times in this journey our my "new" firsts. I found sleeping alone in our bed one of the most difficult times, having my morning coffee without him to face a new day, or a new challenge or decision that needs to made without his input down right discouraging.
One particular Tuesday I was rushed into the emotions of grief. The mounds of emotions, regrets, sadness, worry, and anxiety I carried for the whole day. It started with to many of my "new" firsts, followed by what to do with my house. I let myself hibernate in my bed, covers over my head for the whole day. I moped around in numbness, dispare, and discouragement. When I finally mustard enough energy to get up, I realized what I was doing. Processing on my own, I picked up my bible, and I read the verse, "who will save me but God." What a lesson I learned. As I began to pray, repent, and release all of it I was filled with peace and strength. I was quickly reminded of a whole day ruined in unneeded, unhealthy, unproductive worry and fear. God is there always, waiting for you to call on him, and he will guide you.
He has provided me with healing moments in the beauty he creates and sometimes we miss in our hurry of a day. I can was comforted by a double rainbow one day on my way home from work. A gentle warm summer breeze that filled my soul with His holy spirit. It's still a learning process daily, but God does walk with you if you let him each step of the way.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Celebrating 41 Years Young
He had a fever on Wednesday night, and with his white blood cells at a whopping .81 I took him to the ED kicking and screaming. OK he might not of been that bad, but no way he wanted to go. I am thankful he did, and grateful he's home.
He is still doing dialysis, he has a radiation appointment tomorrow following his dialysis for new tumors on T5 - T11 on his spine. It's his simulation appointment to set up for the real treatments. It will cause him pain, so pray for him around 2:30 pm tomorrow. They will fit him with a mesh like thing and bolt him down with it, and it will cause pain. We are taking one day at a time, and enjoying each one we are blessed with. Myeloma is a roller coaster to say the least. However, God is steady and consistent for all of our needs.
It has been many days in a row at the Clinic and it continues to be the same, but one thing for sure Phil is a fighter, and continues to amaze us with his power, will and strength. I am not sure how I could do this somedays without all of your prayers, thank you all for praying for us. God Bless.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Sometimes It Feel As It's More Than You Can Take
When I turn to God for clarity, guidance, direction and comfort, He is faithful to affirm my doubt and emptiness. Such a difficult year this has been for Phil and I, and I rest assured in His presence that He will renew my strength. Sometimes I even smile through the dark hours of dealing with Multiple Myeloma. I am learning that nothing can disturb me unless I allow it, regardless of the events we have endured.
For those of you who don't know Phil's kidneys have shut down and he's doing dialysis three times a week. Our original plan was to make it through Meg's prom, and our anniversary, then we were going to enter into hospice. However, Phil has been given a new strength and a will to live. It is mainly because w are no longer doing chemotherapy, which has also rebooted him for life.
| Component | Standard Range | 12/2/2011 | 1/6/2012 | 2/22/2012 | 4/10/2012 | 4/20/2012 | 5/25/2012 | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Kappa Free, Serum | 3.3-19.4 mg/L | 1711.6 H | 872.3 H | 1214.4 H | 4595.8 H | 6045.6 H | 37312.0 | ||||
K/L Ratio, Serum | 0.26-1.65 | >713.17 H | 363.46 | 238.12 H | 2188.48 | 2628.52 | 7773.33 |
The above column is what the used to detect Phil's Myeloma levels in his blood, and I have only listed a few but you can see the numbers are rising. In my mind I see doubt, fear, and emotions that if I allow will run wild. It's difficult at times as a nurse to see these numbers and not allow God to step in and provide the serenity of calmness that only He can provide. It takes a choice to turn off everything around me and allow the undisturbed comfort the only God can provide.
Phil has an MRI on Thursday morning because of the amount of pain in his spine. Then later in the day we have a sit down meeting with Pain Management, and Oncologists. Based on the results we will resume the discussion of what the plan is, and It's a difficult road no matter which road is chosen.
I choose to be an open channel for God's guidance on what is best for Phil. I want him to have the best that life will offer him, not just numbers of month's they choose to give Phil. I want what God's will is, and what God can and will provide.
Hey, Hey, Hey, ....Alright, Alright, Alright! (now just imagine hearing that in my best Mathew McConnohawk-Ptoooey impersonation!!!!..... Thats right Kiddies, the Man has taken over the blog responsibilities for this evening - and she doesnt know it yet, but im gonna finish this blog - basically thanking God, and letting you all know what it is like to have found that one person, THEE person that you you know that you can finish out your days with, (the docs have basically givin me less than 2 months) and I intend to do a few things (despite the ever-increasing pain, that they are trying to get under control for me, so I can have a little fun before i check-out).
The MRI's showed more tumor mass forming on my spine, thats why theres a ton of new pain, and thats why I'm struggling now. The ups and downs of life. Except it translates into the compression and de-compression of my cancer riddled spine. And it all sux the BIG ONE, cuz now its gotten ahold of my Kidneys, and if it wasnt for dialysis, I'd be toast already, cuz I wouldn't have anything cleaning my blood for me.
So thats whats going on w\me for right now, and it's breaking my heart watching the woman that I love the the most go thru this. She deserves so much better, for all that she's done for me ever since day 1 of my diagnoses - she has been incredible. And I know, given what we've been thru, that there's maybe 1 - 5 ladies (in the N.E.Ohio area) that would dare to even step-up and help someone thru what she has helped me thru.
She is incredible, there is no love that is stronger, and hopefully, with our strength in prayer, our deep love for each-other, and all the people we have praying with us, maybe... ...just maybe... ...there's a miricle out there with our names on it! And if not, I'm certain that she will come out from that battle, with her armor even more chinked, and beat-up yet again from the battle of watching her husband die, allbeit wiser, more refined in the teachings of our Bible, and somehow, ready to help someone else thru a difficult time in thier life. Thats just how selfless she is. And throughout our 20 years together, I've seen it time & time again, its all that makes her, the amazing woman that she is. The best part of this is not that I'm on the recieving end of all her Love and care (although its truly amazing to have somebody love you to such an extent) the truly amazing thing of all this, is watching how she passes it all down to our 2 beautiful daughters.
Our daughters are amazing, and before I go, Im just gonna let you all know how lucky of a guy I am, having been able to have lived the life I've led, which I owe mostly to my wife and daughtgers. I'm a very lucky guy, And I'd like to thank my God, my Wife, my Family, friends, and all those that I have had a good time with along the way.... ....hopefully, I'll be able to write again -before its all said and done.... .....peace, love, and the best of it all, to you and yours....
......and all my love, to my lovely wife......
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Phil & I Need Prayer
Phillipians 4:5-7 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
Significant passage for Phil and I during this time in our life. When our life can be filled with worries and anxiety. It's the kind of day where the burdens are strong, the heart is hurting, and I just want to pull the covers over my head and stay in bed.
Prayer isn't just a something that comes naturally for me, and I wish I could say that it was. I am learning to petition God, and make my requests known. For he hears my crys, my requests, and my love for Him. Phil and I need your prayers today, and tomorrow. We need his comfort and guidance, and a peace that passes all understanding. God knows, just pray.
Thank you for those who will pray for us, and have prayed for us.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Why Do We Suffer?
Why do people suffer? When I think of suffering I think of my husband, and Job from the bible. Phil is much like Job. Job's love was pure for God. He proved to be faithful, never cursed God or even blamed Him for what happened to him. Everything was taken from Job his riches, family, and his health. Phil is much like Job, and proven to be faithful. He will often say, "If someone needed to have this disease then I am thankful it was me". Thankful! I have other words other than thankful at times, but I am growing so much in my faith, and love for God through this trial Phil and I endure together. So as wrong and complex that may seem to us, sometimes in life we experience suffering to experience complete and full lives in God's abundance of love and peace. In my life every situation I am given..... I can do everything through Him who strengthens me.
Phil's myeloma is, as quoted from the doctor, "out of control." In the last month we have stopped chemotherapy, and that is such a difficult perplexing mind bending statement to even put down here. As chemotherapy has been such a part of this for so long, that without it it seems wrong. His kidneys have stopped working and he is doing dialysis. He spent two weeks in the hospital this month, and is currently at home fulfilling "goals", until he is ready to enter into hospice. I haven't even been able to blog for the numbness that I have felt. Yet in this difficult time I hope that I can show God is still worthy of love regardless of all that we are going through.
In Psalm 119 the progression through verses 67, 71, and 75 regarding suffering - "Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I obey your word...It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees...I know, O LORD, that your laws are righteous, and in faithfulness you have afflicted me." The result of the affliction was so that he could learn God's decrees and obey His Word. Such a difficult passage, and yet so simple to me. I know in my sufferings in life, and watching my husband's disease progress that I am closer in my faith, and yet I need to be closer.
Again, sickness and suffering is never an easy thing to deal with. One thing is for sure, Myeloma has not caused us to lose our faith in God. God is good, even though it may be hard to imagine even those who have endured the ultimate of suffering—death—it is an act of God's goodness. It is hard to imagine that anyone who is in Heaven as a result of sickness or suffering regrets what they went through in this life.
Continue to pray for my family as I don't know God's plan ahead, I do know Phil is suffering. His pain in his back, spine, hips, and ribs is "raging" as Phil stated. It's very difficult to see Myeloma's ugliness once again in those soft gentle hazel eyes. Phil's not much of a complainer so I know he's hurting beyond my imagination when he does.....again, please continue your prayers at this difficult time in our life.
Phil's myeloma is, as quoted from the doctor, "out of control." In the last month we have stopped chemotherapy, and that is such a difficult perplexing mind bending statement to even put down here. As chemotherapy has been such a part of this for so long, that without it it seems wrong. His kidneys have stopped working and he is doing dialysis. He spent two weeks in the hospital this month, and is currently at home fulfilling "goals", until he is ready to enter into hospice. I haven't even been able to blog for the numbness that I have felt. Yet in this difficult time I hope that I can show God is still worthy of love regardless of all that we are going through.
In Psalm 119 the progression through verses 67, 71, and 75 regarding suffering - "Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I obey your word...It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees...I know, O LORD, that your laws are righteous, and in faithfulness you have afflicted me." The result of the affliction was so that he could learn God's decrees and obey His Word. Such a difficult passage, and yet so simple to me. I know in my sufferings in life, and watching my husband's disease progress that I am closer in my faith, and yet I need to be closer.
Again, sickness and suffering is never an easy thing to deal with. One thing is for sure, Myeloma has not caused us to lose our faith in God. God is good, even though it may be hard to imagine even those who have endured the ultimate of suffering—death—it is an act of God's goodness. It is hard to imagine that anyone who is in Heaven as a result of sickness or suffering regrets what they went through in this life.
Continue to pray for my family as I don't know God's plan ahead, I do know Phil is suffering. His pain in his back, spine, hips, and ribs is "raging" as Phil stated. It's very difficult to see Myeloma's ugliness once again in those soft gentle hazel eyes. Phil's not much of a complainer so I know he's hurting beyond my imagination when he does.....again, please continue your prayers at this difficult time in our life.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Phil is Home.
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| Phil and Meg enjoying the lightening show. |
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| Heather's Birthday Celebration |
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| Beautiful |
Phil is home from a 6 night and 7 day stay in the hospital. We did get to enjoy a birthday celebration with our daughter, and spend some time together watching the beautiful sunsets at the Cleveland Clinic. Sounds funny to say "enjoy" when he's in the hospital, but we did enjoy taking him to the rooftop of Cleveland Clinic. It was a much needed break from the wait of Phil's team deciding what is best for him regarding his infection on his back.
However, I must admit that the best sunset was the night we came home. I in sheer exhaution decided that the puppies needed to go on a walk, or their energy could possibly cause me to lose my mind at any moment. Sometimes, God provides you with just what you need to rejuvinate you in the simplest form at the right moment in life. The picture at the bottom is the sunset Megan and I watched together after a long week.
Unfortunately, Phil's infection that is located on his back which stems from the titanium near his spine is getting worse. Doctors placed the titanium nearly eight years ago to reconstructe the sacrum after it was shattered from receiving the maximum dose of radiation in attempt to kill the tumor that was located there. Stupid Myeloma. It's was a blessing that the tumor died, but right now their is an abcess which is an enclosed collection of liquefied tissue, known as pus, near the titanium in his sacrum. It is the result of the body's defensive reaction to the foreign material (or titanium) which now places him at a high risk for the infection to enter into his blood stream and therefore making him septic. Very dangerous, and very serious.
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| Enjoying cupcakes from a friend. |
It was very difficult for me to wait patiently for the plan. Some of Phil's "team" wanted to remove the titanium and do surgery, others didn't, and I am pretty sure that some of them didn't even know what was best for Phil, but they would never admit to it. It just seemed to be happening in slow motion, and I just wanted to take Phil home. I am thankful he is home today, and can enjoy me harrassing him to the fullest at any given moment (it's what I do best).
What we know right now is, we wait for the culture to come back, and determine which antibiotic will work best in fighting the infection. While he was in the hospital they aspirated some of the infection while using guided CT scan to locate the abcess near his spine. Once they know which antibiotic will work best, they will place a PICC line in his arm. A PICC line (which is just a long-term intravenous line) will allow him to receive IV antibiotics at home. Although, the infection will remain while the titanium is there, this will at least suppress the infection and keep him from going septic. Surgery risks at this time outweighs the benefits, which sounds like a double edged sword. It needs to come out, but so many risks involved if they perform surgery. Chemotherapy was stopped for the next week to allow his immune system to rebound. Which is great because he feels so much better without it, and yet I wonder what the Myeloma is doing without it, stupid Myeloma.
In this past week I was very stressed from Phil's stupid Myeloma, but God provided a moment of rejuvination and tranquility while enjoying a sunset with family. It's such a simple pleasure that sometimes we take for granted. It's amazing to me that no matter what I am going through, or how chaotic my situation may seem, God provides the peace that is needed at the perfect moments in life for me. Enjoying time with my family and watching a sunset has become one of the greatest memories I treasure. There is always, always, always, something to be thankful for.
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| Meg and I went for a walk with the puppies, peaceful, calming, and again beautiful moment in life. |
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Phil is Back in the Hospital.....
Sometimes I feel so much pain when I realize how much I truly struggle with my trust in God, and how I have even grieved the heart of God for this lack of trust I place in Him. I know I should have more trust in the way God has brought me and my family through so many storms in our life's, and how He has picked me up from my many failures. Yet, when Phil is struggling with all the aspects of dealing with Multiple Myeloma, I get caught up in having no control over anything, feeling as if life is spinning fast around me, and at this moment is when I allow the doubt, and fear to creep into the mind and consume my heart.
Why do I let myself fail in trusting in God? For he is all knowing, all powerful, and all mighty. I usually am quick in prayer when that sets in, and yet, I am still and always learning to lean and trust in God. I have so much pain in my life with dealing with Multiple Myeloma, that I sometimes look around and wonder why are we the one's going through all of this torment physically, financially, spiritually, and emotionally. Rather than easily throwing words around such as, "Where are you God, and how can this be happening?" I have, and yet so hesitantly, remind myself and quickly refer back to Romans 5, which is becoming truer and truer in my life. "Rejoicing in our sufferings, suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope". Wow, it that ever true. God hasn't forgotten us, he is reminding me through each trial how much he loves us.
Phil has continued to struggle and suffer daily with the pain in his hips, shoulders, back, neck, and all over generalized pain from cancer. The pain he deals with lately, is more than overwhelming at times for me. No matter what Phil is going through, he doesn't allow his cancer to steal his hope, love, peace, and joy from his life. This past week at times, he has found no comfort at all physically. He cringes with small movements, and struggles to find that peaceful position physically. Yet spiritually and emotionally he is full of love, hope, and joy. He is my inspiration and strength at times when I am so very angry at cancer.
As Phil and I were sleeping the other night, I woke to my foot touching his leg and knew immediately he had spiked a very high temperature. He was shaking with chills, sweating, and confused. I wasn't to alarmed with the confusion, I figure you are allowed to be confused when your temperature is 104.7! However, the fever had me fearful, and scared and he was just so sick. Phil just doesn't complain much at all, and when he does, then I know it really is bothering him. He just kept saying, "I don't feel good." Yet, I couldn't convince him to go to the emergency room, so I did the next best thing and emailed his nurse practitioner at 4:00am, who replied to me at 5:00 am to bring him in anytime to see her this morningng, ASAP preferred. Which we did go early that morning to see her, and that is when they admitted him to the hospital.
He is retaining fluid all over, however, he did have an echo cardiogram completed in which we learned that his heart is working fine. The fluid retention could be just a side effect from the chemotherapy. None the less, his abdomen is large, and he is short of breath from all of the fluid.
My main concern is still the infection in his back, which remains to be at the center of my heart. It appears to me to be getting worse, and I am placing it in God's hands. This infection has been the source of my anxiety, fear, and insecurity. I pray God you will heal this infection or allow the cancer numbers to come down so that the titanium (source of infection) in his back can be removed surgically. Even that is so difficult to say, because I know what that surgery entails, and it because of that knowledge I allow the worry to settle in and haunt me. I must remind myself that when the worry starts, that's when I begin to pray. For I do know God is near, and in control.
When you are going through trials, struggles, pain, or whatever it may be in you life, just know that fear, pain, and worry are of no help. Seek God in your prayers, and in your heart. God knows your situation, and he is near. Seek him, and he will comfort you. I promise. Please again, and always, pray for my family as we again are starring at the ugliness of cancer. Thank you.
Matthew 28:20 "I am with you always, to the very end of the age"
Philippians 4:5 "The Lord is near."
Why do I let myself fail in trusting in God? For he is all knowing, all powerful, and all mighty. I usually am quick in prayer when that sets in, and yet, I am still and always learning to lean and trust in God. I have so much pain in my life with dealing with Multiple Myeloma, that I sometimes look around and wonder why are we the one's going through all of this torment physically, financially, spiritually, and emotionally. Rather than easily throwing words around such as, "Where are you God, and how can this be happening?" I have, and yet so hesitantly, remind myself and quickly refer back to Romans 5, which is becoming truer and truer in my life. "Rejoicing in our sufferings, suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope". Wow, it that ever true. God hasn't forgotten us, he is reminding me through each trial how much he loves us.
Phil has continued to struggle and suffer daily with the pain in his hips, shoulders, back, neck, and all over generalized pain from cancer. The pain he deals with lately, is more than overwhelming at times for me. No matter what Phil is going through, he doesn't allow his cancer to steal his hope, love, peace, and joy from his life. This past week at times, he has found no comfort at all physically. He cringes with small movements, and struggles to find that peaceful position physically. Yet spiritually and emotionally he is full of love, hope, and joy. He is my inspiration and strength at times when I am so very angry at cancer.
As Phil and I were sleeping the other night, I woke to my foot touching his leg and knew immediately he had spiked a very high temperature. He was shaking with chills, sweating, and confused. I wasn't to alarmed with the confusion, I figure you are allowed to be confused when your temperature is 104.7! However, the fever had me fearful, and scared and he was just so sick. Phil just doesn't complain much at all, and when he does, then I know it really is bothering him. He just kept saying, "I don't feel good." Yet, I couldn't convince him to go to the emergency room, so I did the next best thing and emailed his nurse practitioner at 4:00am, who replied to me at 5:00 am to bring him in anytime to see her this morningng, ASAP preferred. Which we did go early that morning to see her, and that is when they admitted him to the hospital.
He is retaining fluid all over, however, he did have an echo cardiogram completed in which we learned that his heart is working fine. The fluid retention could be just a side effect from the chemotherapy. None the less, his abdomen is large, and he is short of breath from all of the fluid.
My main concern is still the infection in his back, which remains to be at the center of my heart. It appears to me to be getting worse, and I am placing it in God's hands. This infection has been the source of my anxiety, fear, and insecurity. I pray God you will heal this infection or allow the cancer numbers to come down so that the titanium (source of infection) in his back can be removed surgically. Even that is so difficult to say, because I know what that surgery entails, and it because of that knowledge I allow the worry to settle in and haunt me. I must remind myself that when the worry starts, that's when I begin to pray. For I do know God is near, and in control.
When you are going through trials, struggles, pain, or whatever it may be in you life, just know that fear, pain, and worry are of no help. Seek God in your prayers, and in your heart. God knows your situation, and he is near. Seek him, and he will comfort you. I promise. Please again, and always, pray for my family as we again are starring at the ugliness of cancer. Thank you.
Matthew 28:20 "I am with you always, to the very end of the age"
Philippians 4:5 "The Lord is near."
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Prayer and Praise
Just the other day, I was kinda thinking that for those of us who pray, none of us pray as much as we probably should but all of us pray when we are in need. Especially when a crisis hits us, and things seem to be falling down around us faster than we can pick the pieces up. I am consciously making an effort to spend each day in prayer, and yet also in praise for all that He provides to my family. I can honestly say, I would not be here if it wasn't without God providing for us. However, it's so difficult when my family seems to be dealing with so many extraordinary issues, that all I want to do is scream, "Please, God help US!"
Many of you will never know the impact that cancer has on a younger couple, and it's effect on all aspects of our lives, and I hope and pray that you never will. I would never wish the difficulty of cancer on anyone, and especially how it turns life into such a complex structure, and how sometimes even the smallest task can feel like a major hurdle. How sometimes you can't pray hard enough that his pain will stop, and yet, praising Him for medications that ease his suffering. It's such an array of emotions, and turmoils.
I'm home again with him today, and as he sits in his chair, curled up in a blanket, he looks so peaceful and comfortable while sleeping. Each and every muscle is at ease, and he feels no pain. It's as if he has no cancer for just that moment. Yet, soon he will wake, and soon he will be struggling once again. I pray to capture this peace at least once daily all year. Lately, I couldn't seem to pray the stress out of our home, but today I captured it and received that peace that passes all understanding.
He is feeling better after his blood transfusion yesterday, this week has been more difficult for him. Funny to say more difficult, as each and everyone of his days is difficult. His blood work revealed his hemoglobin was 7.2 and his hematocrit was 24.1. He was pale, more fatigued, and just plain tired of cancer this week. He even said, "I'm done with cancer, doctors, and all the bullshit of caner." Multiple Myeloma is starting out the year the way it ended, just plain ugly, aggravating, and mean. To put it simply, it's a daily stressor to see him suffering mentally and physically. I again felt I was just praying for the need this week, and missing the praise, to the point of becoming angry with God.
I have a long list of prayer requests, and in so many different aspects of our life. First, I pray for our daughter Megan, for strength and comfort. When I think of what she has gone through in the last few years, it makes me proud of the young lady she has become. How many teenagers make sure Dad has taken his medication, or given up a Friday night to take her Dad to his chemotherapy treatment. I see the pain in her eyes watching her Dad suffering from cancer. It is such a mentally hard process for her to deal with her Dad suffering from cancer, and at such a young age as well, yet she probably handles some of the "issues" better than most of the adults that I know would! I love you Megan, and I pray for you daily!
I pray for our daughter Heather, and all that she has gone through dealing with her Dad having cancer. She also deals with her own diagnosis of a Pituitary Tumor. She's having a few issues with that right now, and has an appointment to make sure everything is stable there. She has alot of anxiety in dealing with doctors and medical issues. Somehow I wonder if it's because of what she has watched her Dad endure. I pray for strength and comfort for her as well, as life is dealing her her own cards to play, along with worrying about her Dad.
And yet, sometimes I find it difficult to say I need prayer, or I am struggling. Why is it that I must feel the need to be the strongest, or the one who puts all the pieces together. I have such a difficult time in this position of "bread winner and caretaker", and I can't seem to make both run smoothly lately. It's the guilt of, If I don't work, then no one else does, and if no one else does, then our finances are just not met. However, when those loving hazel eyes are filled with pain, and despair I will never leave his side. It's just been trying lately to say the least. Yet, somehow, God always provides. So although I want to pray for our needs, I also praise him because He always, always, provides. Even when I have no idea how we will make it through to tomorrow.
Phil needs to go for an MRI and check the stability of a "spot" on C4 of his spine, please God let it not need radiation or surgery. He can't take much more right now, and neither can I. I feel as if somedays I'm falling apart, and barely breathing. However, I know in the pain there is healing and strength, and for that I praise you God. So, I am holding on to Your grace, but barely somedays, and I keep reminding myself prayer and praise need to go hand in hand, for one without the other just doesn't seem right.
Many of you will never know the impact that cancer has on a younger couple, and it's effect on all aspects of our lives, and I hope and pray that you never will. I would never wish the difficulty of cancer on anyone, and especially how it turns life into such a complex structure, and how sometimes even the smallest task can feel like a major hurdle. How sometimes you can't pray hard enough that his pain will stop, and yet, praising Him for medications that ease his suffering. It's such an array of emotions, and turmoils.
I'm home again with him today, and as he sits in his chair, curled up in a blanket, he looks so peaceful and comfortable while sleeping. Each and every muscle is at ease, and he feels no pain. It's as if he has no cancer for just that moment. Yet, soon he will wake, and soon he will be struggling once again. I pray to capture this peace at least once daily all year. Lately, I couldn't seem to pray the stress out of our home, but today I captured it and received that peace that passes all understanding.
He is feeling better after his blood transfusion yesterday, this week has been more difficult for him. Funny to say more difficult, as each and everyone of his days is difficult. His blood work revealed his hemoglobin was 7.2 and his hematocrit was 24.1. He was pale, more fatigued, and just plain tired of cancer this week. He even said, "I'm done with cancer, doctors, and all the bullshit of caner." Multiple Myeloma is starting out the year the way it ended, just plain ugly, aggravating, and mean. To put it simply, it's a daily stressor to see him suffering mentally and physically. I again felt I was just praying for the need this week, and missing the praise, to the point of becoming angry with God.
I have a long list of prayer requests, and in so many different aspects of our life. First, I pray for our daughter Megan, for strength and comfort. When I think of what she has gone through in the last few years, it makes me proud of the young lady she has become. How many teenagers make sure Dad has taken his medication, or given up a Friday night to take her Dad to his chemotherapy treatment. I see the pain in her eyes watching her Dad suffering from cancer. It is such a mentally hard process for her to deal with her Dad suffering from cancer, and at such a young age as well, yet she probably handles some of the "issues" better than most of the adults that I know would! I love you Megan, and I pray for you daily!
I pray for our daughter Heather, and all that she has gone through dealing with her Dad having cancer. She also deals with her own diagnosis of a Pituitary Tumor. She's having a few issues with that right now, and has an appointment to make sure everything is stable there. She has alot of anxiety in dealing with doctors and medical issues. Somehow I wonder if it's because of what she has watched her Dad endure. I pray for strength and comfort for her as well, as life is dealing her her own cards to play, along with worrying about her Dad.
And yet, sometimes I find it difficult to say I need prayer, or I am struggling. Why is it that I must feel the need to be the strongest, or the one who puts all the pieces together. I have such a difficult time in this position of "bread winner and caretaker", and I can't seem to make both run smoothly lately. It's the guilt of, If I don't work, then no one else does, and if no one else does, then our finances are just not met. However, when those loving hazel eyes are filled with pain, and despair I will never leave his side. It's just been trying lately to say the least. Yet, somehow, God always provides. So although I want to pray for our needs, I also praise him because He always, always, provides. Even when I have no idea how we will make it through to tomorrow.
Phil needs to go for an MRI and check the stability of a "spot" on C4 of his spine, please God let it not need radiation or surgery. He can't take much more right now, and neither can I. I feel as if somedays I'm falling apart, and barely breathing. However, I know in the pain there is healing and strength, and for that I praise you God. So, I am holding on to Your grace, but barely somedays, and I keep reminding myself prayer and praise need to go hand in hand, for one without the other just doesn't seem right.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
New Years Resolution
Today, as I was curled up into my own little ball of insecurity and depression, and I had filled myself with a self proclaimed darkness. Sometimes, I think I actually find this mood enjoyable and inviting, so then I pride myself on my self indulged pity, and Eeyore becomes my icon. And then, I began to realize just how much my mood sets the tone for the whole house, and the people I love.
I don't curl up to misery often but I am thankful I quickly stopped myself and began to revisit a memory from when Phil was in the hospital. A moment where someone's love and compassion shed some light on me during one of my darkest hours in my life. She will never know what she did for me, she reset my mood and provided a light of hope. All this from a complete and caring stranger.
After arriving to the ER at 7:00pm, Phil was finally admitted to Medical Intensive Care Unit and settled in around 4:00 am. It was an emotional and exhausting evening, at this point I was working on 23 hours of not getting any rest - something I don't do well is lack of sleep. It was finally time to go home, and attempt to get some rest, and not so easy when someone you love is in such distress with breathing. Anyway, I had to walk back to the ER department to get to my car. The walk was heavy on my heart, I was mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausted. It was to the point that I wasn't feeling connected with the floor, the building, or even the moment. It seemed as if every hallway was endless and excruciating, but eventually I arrived back to the ER department.
It was so lonely walking at that hour of the morning, except for one young lady who was sitting in the hallway charting on her computer. She turned to me and said, "Do you need help?" I replied, "I need to know how to get my car, I had to use valet but I have no idea what to do or where to go at this hour?" She walked me over to the security office, and they took my ticket, and said they will have someone bring my car around. I thanked her, and graciously sat on the little bench while I waited endlessly for my car to appear.
As I sat slumped over all of Phil's belongings and my own, I seemed to stare into space and felt that dark, gloomy, and that infamous black cloud just stagnant over my head. Just then the automatic doors opened, and there she stood again with coffee and a boxed lunch. She smiled that sincere smile of caring for another human being without even knowing them, and said, "I thought you looked like you needed some coffee and a meal." My eye's filled up tears, and I exclaimed, "You have no idea what this means to me." Just then my car pulled up, and she helped me carry all my belongings out to the car, and hugged me. She said, "I will be praying that you arrive home safely." It was her light at that moment that set the mood for my hour drive back home, and brought such peace and hope over me. I wish I had gotten her name, but in my emotions from her kindness, I was mesmerized with gratitude. However, I will remember her forever.
All of us set the tone in our homes, our jobs, and in all apects of our lives. That's the light that we need everyday in life, when darkness appears to destroy your every ounce of hope, and seeks to destroy your soul. That's the light that needs to set the mood, spark the hope, bring the joy, and it is what keeps us going in life. I will attempt to be more of a light, and will not invite the bitterness, darkness, and depression that life can bring into my home. I don't want to just go through "The Motions", I want to make a difference. That, my friends , is my "New Years Resolution".
I don't curl up to misery often but I am thankful I quickly stopped myself and began to revisit a memory from when Phil was in the hospital. A moment where someone's love and compassion shed some light on me during one of my darkest hours in my life. She will never know what she did for me, she reset my mood and provided a light of hope. All this from a complete and caring stranger.
After arriving to the ER at 7:00pm, Phil was finally admitted to Medical Intensive Care Unit and settled in around 4:00 am. It was an emotional and exhausting evening, at this point I was working on 23 hours of not getting any rest - something I don't do well is lack of sleep. It was finally time to go home, and attempt to get some rest, and not so easy when someone you love is in such distress with breathing. Anyway, I had to walk back to the ER department to get to my car. The walk was heavy on my heart, I was mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausted. It was to the point that I wasn't feeling connected with the floor, the building, or even the moment. It seemed as if every hallway was endless and excruciating, but eventually I arrived back to the ER department.
It was so lonely walking at that hour of the morning, except for one young lady who was sitting in the hallway charting on her computer. She turned to me and said, "Do you need help?" I replied, "I need to know how to get my car, I had to use valet but I have no idea what to do or where to go at this hour?" She walked me over to the security office, and they took my ticket, and said they will have someone bring my car around. I thanked her, and graciously sat on the little bench while I waited endlessly for my car to appear.
As I sat slumped over all of Phil's belongings and my own, I seemed to stare into space and felt that dark, gloomy, and that infamous black cloud just stagnant over my head. Just then the automatic doors opened, and there she stood again with coffee and a boxed lunch. She smiled that sincere smile of caring for another human being without even knowing them, and said, "I thought you looked like you needed some coffee and a meal." My eye's filled up tears, and I exclaimed, "You have no idea what this means to me." Just then my car pulled up, and she helped me carry all my belongings out to the car, and hugged me. She said, "I will be praying that you arrive home safely." It was her light at that moment that set the mood for my hour drive back home, and brought such peace and hope over me. I wish I had gotten her name, but in my emotions from her kindness, I was mesmerized with gratitude. However, I will remember her forever.
All of us set the tone in our homes, our jobs, and in all apects of our lives. That's the light that we need everyday in life, when darkness appears to destroy your every ounce of hope, and seeks to destroy your soul. That's the light that needs to set the mood, spark the hope, bring the joy, and it is what keeps us going in life. I will attempt to be more of a light, and will not invite the bitterness, darkness, and depression that life can bring into my home. I don't want to just go through "The Motions", I want to make a difference. That, my friends , is my "New Years Resolution".
Monday, January 2, 2012
One Moment In Life
Happy New Year! It has been a difficult year with Multiple Myeloma, but I am thankful he is home today. It has been frightening, exhausting, and emotional especially this past week. It really puts life in perspective when someone you love is so close to death.
He started getting a cold over Christmas weekend, however, we attributed that to his radiation to his chest that was just finished on Tuesday before Christmas weekend. They told us that his lung could get a little annoyed and he may develop a cough. Well, what started out as a little cough quickly went down hill from there.
When I took him to the emergency room his pulse ox was 88 percent, and they put some oxygen on him. Later in the ER it went down to 78 percent and he was using all of his accessory muscles just to breath. What started out as a cold, turned into full blown pneumonia, and respiratory distress. It was one of the worst moments of my life. So many things go through your mind when your not sure someone is going to make it through to the next moment in life. I remember sitting next to him at 2 am, holding his hand as tears run down my face. I said, "you bastard, your not done with this life, if you die tonight I'm going to kick your ass." I know sounds morbid, but I laughed and cried. Then something happened, he actually woke up and said, "What's wrong with you? You know I love you and your not going to kick my ass tonight." He doesn't remember this, but I know God was letting me know he was going to be OK.
Don't take life for granted, not even for one moment, an hour, or a day. Be sure to tell the people you love how you feel about them, if your sorry - say your sorry, if you love them - tell them you love them, or whatever is on your mind. I almost lost my husband this week, but I am thankful today that I can say to him, "I love you" whenever the thought occurs. Each day you wake is a blessing and you never know what tomorrow will bring. Make this year the year that you live everyday to it's fullest and love unconditionally every moment of the day, or at least as often as you can. You never know what can happen from one moment to the next, and I am thankful my moments have passed this week and he is home. May God bless you with happiness and health all year long.
He started getting a cold over Christmas weekend, however, we attributed that to his radiation to his chest that was just finished on Tuesday before Christmas weekend. They told us that his lung could get a little annoyed and he may develop a cough. Well, what started out as a little cough quickly went down hill from there.
When I took him to the emergency room his pulse ox was 88 percent, and they put some oxygen on him. Later in the ER it went down to 78 percent and he was using all of his accessory muscles just to breath. What started out as a cold, turned into full blown pneumonia, and respiratory distress. It was one of the worst moments of my life. So many things go through your mind when your not sure someone is going to make it through to the next moment in life. I remember sitting next to him at 2 am, holding his hand as tears run down my face. I said, "you bastard, your not done with this life, if you die tonight I'm going to kick your ass." I know sounds morbid, but I laughed and cried. Then something happened, he actually woke up and said, "What's wrong with you? You know I love you and your not going to kick my ass tonight." He doesn't remember this, but I know God was letting me know he was going to be OK.
Don't take life for granted, not even for one moment, an hour, or a day. Be sure to tell the people you love how you feel about them, if your sorry - say your sorry, if you love them - tell them you love them, or whatever is on your mind. I almost lost my husband this week, but I am thankful today that I can say to him, "I love you" whenever the thought occurs. Each day you wake is a blessing and you never know what tomorrow will bring. Make this year the year that you live everyday to it's fullest and love unconditionally every moment of the day, or at least as often as you can. You never know what can happen from one moment to the next, and I am thankful my moments have passed this week and he is home. May God bless you with happiness and health all year long.
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